Blueberries and Barfing

Things don't always work out as planned...gotta hate this saying!  Yesterday I woke up with a heavy feeling in my head, the start of a sinus headache.  These headaches make me nauseous but I didnt feel too badly so against my better judgement, I took my mom and her friend blueberry picking.  Things always get worse before they get better...I hate this expression too because they did, get worse. I just giggled at my yesterday, because it is quite humorous when I picture myself, throwing up four times beside my parked car as my mom and friend finished harvesting blueberries and I waited, being their driver. My car is a standard, my mom doesn't drive and her friend can only drive automatic so I drove us home, dropped off moms friend and had to pull over twice to throw up.  We got home and the whole night until 9 o'clock continued in this manner.  I was supposed to go on my kayaking trip and instead, today, I have slowly shed the hangover like feeling of yesterday. I felt sorry for myself this morning and had a brief cry, for the loss of what I had anticipated as being a spectacularly peaceful and beautiful trip through woods and water and nature, meeting my Captain in Gods country, in the North. I am sad as I write this but there is something new too, a realization that I had today. In the past, when I have gotten sick (this is NOT the first time), I always looked for why and what I had done wrong, blaming myself somehow for getting sick. The judgement and self blame are gone, and I refuse to blame  myself for being ill~so many people are sick, healthy people that have done everything   "right", why not me too?  I felt again, as I have in the past during my owns bouts of illness, a deep compassion for the sick and dying, of which I am neither.  There is a man at my church, and he is one of the most loving men I have ever met, he is dying and this Sunday, he will give his story for the purpose of edifying the people there. I will have the privilege of hearing him speak, perhaps for the last time publicly, something I would have missed if I had taken my trip.  I'm still sad about the missed kayaking, but I feel much better today and I am grateful.