Cracked, Broken, Mended

Today I cried, wept, hot, little girl tears of self pitting sadness.  I sat at my kitchen table, snuffling and crying, rubbing my eyes and periodically, I would stop to take a quivery breath only to start all over again. I felt humiliated, exhausted, useless and frustrated as I looked at my laptop and periodically cursed it for hiding important things from me.  My mom lives with my family and she called my son and he came to my side, hugged me and laughed a little and said "it's ok mum".  He then asked me what I needed and as he said this, I continued to mutter and cry but I also started to retrace my steps and proceeded to use the comupter in a way that actually worked...he laughed and said to my mum, "she just did it herself".  Do myself comes to mind, a child's mantra, the longing expressed in simple words to self actualize.  I needed to be told, shown and then do, and since I had been, I longed to "do myself". I started thinking of the computer as a set of drawers, and that I was looking for misplaced items.  I began retracing my steps and this seemed to open my mind to the how and where and it all started to make sense. Last week, a coach comforted me and said "computers are dumb, they are like three year olds, you just have to ask them questions" (I love three year olds and think they are brilliant by the way!).  After a cleansing shower, with a clear mind,  all by myself, I did so many things on my computer to-do-list and felt so proud that I almost started crying again from sheer relief and gratitude.  I needed help...asking for it doesn't always mean you will get it, because people have their own schedules and things-to-do, but in my brokenness, two beautiful human beings came to my aid, and with them by my side, I "did myself".  I am CREATIVE, RESOURCEFULAND WHOLE, I just needed to be reminded.