Phantom Limb Phenomena

Phantom limb phenomena

I have some fond memory history. People that I considered friends, are no longer: in fact, as the song goes when I think of them, now you're just somebody that I used to know. 

When they pulled away from me, I pushed them out of my circle. When push comes to shove, there isn't much room for two that used to be so close as to be one, in the sharing, the caring, the laughter and the tears The impact is this: intimacy evaporates, trust erodes, life affirming impact is eliminated, and what remains, is similar to a phantom limb phenomenon. 

Deeply drinking 

I can remember when, as I go back in time, deeply drinking from eyes that looked into mine unblinking, until tears formed there and we both had to look away. Seeing too much and longing to see more

I recall laughter that I wanted it to last forever, with repeat jokes that never got worn out or tired

And the tender parts, where I could just be mean old me, and the other knew I wasn't that at all: they knew I have a melty heart, and I was loved past my yucky exterior

There they were and there was I and it was pure somehow; we were unfettered and free and the you, and the me, was soul drenchingly delicious, increasing craving for next time

Slipping away

I can still feel you but I cannot grasp hold; you are slipping away and the distance between us grows 

Washing over me in salty waves of grief, I am getting accustomed to loss; one more Lord, one more?

You pulled away when I wanted to keep you close but alas, you see me differently now. The me you used to know has turned ugly in your sight, dangerous, menacing, a threat to your safety. Gone are the days when you saw past my meanness to my tender melting heart, now I am just somebody that you used to know

Phantom like recollections

Sometimes, a finger I slammed in a car door and busted wide open, aches along the L shaped scarring. It reminds me of the initial wound, an injury incurred that time has healed. The heart does not heal in quite the same way, when a friend is cut out and a hole is left there. The ache can feel unbearable with phantom like recollections playing in the memory; the mind wondering where did they go and are they gone, forever

I suppose, my heart will heal and a scar will ache to remind me, that you once occupied intimate space there ... and perhaps, you always will

Perhaps you always will