Muddy Footprints

Track mud 🐾

I have two dogs. While I like their cuteness I admit, I don't like their brand of dirty. Dogs do disgusting things, and dog owners put up with a lot of grossness, especially if the dogs are indoor pets. One of the things I don't appreciate is muddy springtime paws and claws. Like most dogs, mine do that kicky thing with their back legs after they do their business. This makes cleaning them a little tricky when we arrive home. If not done properly, they track mud all over the darned place 🐾 

Hesitancy 

The above description is my prelude, dear reader. Lately I feel as though mud has been tracked through my mind. Sometimes my dreams leave me feeling undone and last night, I prayed for better dreams before closing my eyes. I realize as I type, that I have been staying in bed longer in the mornings ... I would like to reengineer my dreams, go back in there and clean them somehow. Looking at the date in the corner of my screen, I see the why now, of my thoughts, my hesitancy to move forward, to get through to the other side.

April 25th, 2017 ... the end and the beginning

My marriage officially, with words, ended April 25th, 2017. The breaking and remaking of me has happened over and over again in the last five years. I am on solid ground with Christ as my foundation, but on April 25th, 2017, I was nearly swallowed whole when it felt as though the earth had opened up beneath me. 

Being fragmented from self is a strange phenomenon : it is catastrophic to the family system to lose a whole member from within the group. Their withdrawal can leave a vast sucking hole, only to be recognized immediately upon their departure. I am resilient, I am strong, I am woman, hear me roar ... blah blah blah. I was broken, felt insecure, and needed to figure out what to do next to be the one that led the way forward and out of what felt like a pit of despair. I could celebrate my victories, my survival skills, my patient endurance and stedfast faith over the past five years. I could, but today, on this rainy April showers bring May flowers day, I am sad. 

Rather allusive

The muddy footprints in my mind are the memories of the unnecessary suffering. I have learned there is always a better way, a kinder way, a sacrificial love advancement path that leads to affinity and high fidelity soundness. Relationship ought to be a celebration of two people working and weaving together in intimate ways that model the love of God. I want what God wants for us. It would appear that this kind of love is rare and precious, and sadly, rather allusive. 

Gift of pain

I don't know who you are or what you are facing, dear reader. I know that grief is a show stopper, and when it knocks at my door, I have to let it in so we can have a conversation about the mud, the old wounds, the sadness that would take up permanent residency in my heart, if I didn't give it space and time to express itself. Grief is a gift of pain that can be avoided, but this is detrimental to you and to the others in your life that deserve your full attention. 

Today I will let the rain remind me of my brokenness, and later when the sun is shining, I will recollect that God is forever kind, faithful, stedfast, and He will always lead the Way in the healing of minds, of hearts, and of the spirit within us. 

His Holy Spirit mending is my medicine, and I hope it is yours too ☀️