Imbalanced relationships are not formed by choice, however, they are unconsciously chosen by design. Humans are homeostatic by nature, meaning whatever is most comfortable for us, even if it is dysfunction, is what we gravitate toward. Does this ring true for you? And does it seem a tad sickly to think that malfunctioning and malignant relating can be comfortable, for some? as opposed to calm and productive interacting that edifies and delights, others?
I grew up with lots of screaming and angry adult faces. Threat hung lead balloon like in the air, and feeling badly and guilty without knowing exactly what my crime was, left me guessing and having to pick out of an invisible box, which rule I had broken or sentiment I had violated. I grew up in the, parents are right, kids shut up era: pop psychology books on how to raise reasonable children, didn't litter household coffee tables. I raised myself emotionally: the work of soundness in my relationships is an on going project, dear reader: I continue to be a work in progress. My saving grace, as I learned to speak my mind, was what my father taught me "Don't take sh!t from anyone; I took that to mean not to take it from my parents either. Thanks Dad.
While it may seem as though I rounded a corner and I became emotionally functional, I had some imbalances that needed correcting. One of my lopsided, make myself feel better courses of action included helping people, and often times, over-helping people: I had a friend say to me once in her delightful Scottish accent, Linda, I don't like to be psychoanalyzed ... back in my twenties I got caught out trying to fix what I thought was broken. I believed I had answers and I could give life altering advice. I needed and wanted to make a difference, and see people get along, love one another, communicate effectively and affectionally, but all I saw was angry dispositions, hurt hearts, and long faces that spoke volumes about the emotional wounding they were experiencing, that harkened back to childhood.
Dear reader, it is the hurt that we mask, it is the hurt that we hide from ourselves and others, and it is the hurt that must be dealt with, in order to heal, so that lopsided relating loops are broken and we can see and hear other people, not just our own broken record inner thoughts; then we can be available to bond, get intimate, and when we leave the other person after spending time with them, we feel contented and happy, and look forward to planning our next get together. That is what reciprocal feels like: a common bond of agreeableness, of delight, of being better off for having been in that persons most excellent company, no matter what they are going through.
People aren't problems to be solved. People have environments and events they must navigate that can be challenging, and along with these environments and events, they have perceptions, feelings, moods, behaviours, that are closely linked to what they have experienced; and by God, when we are cognitive, and aware of our own reactions and attitudes, it gives us insight into how to course correct.
My parents were decent parents to me. I knew where I could go to feel secure because they were fiercely loyal and protective of us girls. My mom is matriarchal, and old school (insert whatever that means to you, dear one, you have your own ideas of what old school means), and I can appreciate now what I did not in my individuation years. But I still had to do my own psychological, behavioural self-assessing, and correcting too, because dear reader, no one can do it for me, or for you. We have to take a good look at our inner workings, and figure out:
● What is homeostatic for me: Am I inclined to imbalance, dysfunction, maladaptation?
● What do I want in my relationships, starting with how do I want to speak to myself and how do I want to treat myself: Do I self-abuse and in turn, allow others to treat me similarly?
● What feelings do I experience after being with certain people: do I feel jarred and fragile, shaken, nervous, self-conscious; do I self-deprecate after we part ways and am I uneasy every time I think about being in their company?
● Ask yourself if you feel drained, spent, overextended, taxed, weak, and as though you have given more than you had to give, and gotten far less, in fact nothing at all of value, in return.
I caustically tell over-givers, If you want to do charity work, volunteer at a not-for-profit, but if you want to be friends with someone, make sure reciprocal is part of how you relate.
God made us adaptable, and he gave us beautiful guidelines that when followed, provide a structure for gorgeous relating, based on mutual appreciation and admiration. It is as simple as 1, 2 , 3:
No comments:
Post a Comment