Yes, there were indeed flashing yellow lights that indicated caution was required but alas, there was also love, of the real variety, and commitment, to what had been started. Backing down, backing out, indicates the presence of humility, and I didn't have that sort of glorious character trait way back when; I had the exact opposite approach to life and choices. I was an arrogant little self-serving spoiled to the core lazy brat that believed I could make things work, according to my plan, no matter the circumstances. Jesus taught me otherwise when he made my heart contrite, when my soul languished in sorrow over sin, when I realized how far I had gone away from God and toward, what? toward a sinful life, to state the case simply.
That was many moons ago. As I face the facts, I realize how we, my former husband and I, missed each other as we passed in the hall, going in opposite directions, away from communicating, away from aligning, away from being a family. We were a perfect match, and perfectly mismatched too! I can say this now, after all this time, and after revisiting some of the letters and cards, tiny photo booth pictures and other reminders, of who we were as a couple.
I started loathing him from my side of the bed just after we got married. How can a man recover his place in a woman's heart when resentment has taken root? We did not see eye to eye and never would, and it was only a matter of twenty-five years before the resolve to part ways would kick in, for him. We started leaving one another while we were still in love, but the trust was gone, for many reasons that will not be aired here. They say opposites attract, and while this is true, I have learned that similarity is God glue. I always wanted us to be one, and I think he did too? but not in that synergistic way I see some couples develop over time, where they work collaboratively, communicate without ego or attachment to having to be right, where they have a system that works and they each can freely ask for help, or encouragement, when need necessitates. I have seen this, dear reader, several times over recently, and periodically it has me long for something similar. I admire team work, don't you?
The old me has compassion for the younger me. The world was confusing and she was always trying to figure herself out and be emotionally mature, but there was a deficit, a disability, and I can say with confidence, philosophy and psychology books were my teachers when I was young and trying to make sense of everything, when what I really needed, was Biblical instruction, and someone to hold my hand while making decisions that would affect me for the rest of my life. My current understanding of self, may very well be why I am a dog with a bone, always wanting people to know the LORD, read scripture with reverence and then deference, and make sound choices based on God's commandments and precepts. Who better to trust and guide you and I, then the God that knows and loves us, best of all?
I know that our personal point of pain becomes our mission and our work. I want so much to lead people to Christ when they are struggling, in the hope they will be rescued from the heartache of staying with someone that God has not picked for them. I always said that my husband was picked by God for me, because I loved him so much ... but what we want to believe and what measures up as Truth, are not always the same. We cannot make God agree with us, no matter how hard we try.
I will be fifty-eight in just over a week. I really like my age: I am not trying to prove myself anymore; I no longer strive, struggle, argue, try to convince ... rather, I hope, I pray, and I bluntly speak and write without fear of reprisal, directing anyone that cares to hear or read what I put out, to the God that made them and keeps them.
God loves you, and he loved me in my willful disobedient youth: but he doesn't want us to stay where we are, there is always room for soulful improvement and course correction. It has taken me a significant amount of time, reading The Bible, crying and listening to music, feeling sorry for myself and then calling myself to account to snap out of it, and pleading with God to get myself right, so that I don't carry around the baggage of resentment, bitterness, blame, or loathing that matched the immature me of my past.
Reconciling with God was the work I had to do, and maybe it is time for you to do the same, dear reader? People collide, they bump into each other and are repelled away, and that is life with other humans. God though, always welcomes, always hears, always answers, and will say, This way, not that, little one. Do it my way and all will be well with your soul.
The Bible makes his way very clear.
No comments:
Post a Comment