A tender hearted friend of mine had an insight I appreciate. She observed that we can feel sadness and sorrow on the behalf of someone we love that is suffering, but we can also carry on, laughing, making plans, going about our daily business, while the one in the throes and grip of dis ease, dis comfort, dis may, cannot shake the all encompassing and constant niggling thoughts, that they are sick, and perhaps, not for long, but forever in this life time. The underlining sentiment is perpetually felt, and periodically spoken, Will this be my life from this point forward, one of appointments with doctors, treatments prescribed, suffering from illness symptoms, and prescription side effects?
When the sick person states what they know to be true, the people that surround them do not want to hear it, here are some examples: I am tired; I don't want to go on; it isn't getting better; I am going to die; I fear this is my life now; nothing is working; it is getting worse ...
The dying often know
When my dad was dying, I told him we needed to be faithful, to pray, to believe that God would hear our pleading and grant our request. My dad scoffed at this, because he knew he was near the end, and that life was ebbing away, and that prayer would not restore him to health. My sister declared to my mother and her husband, I won't make it to my 60th birthday, and she didn't; she was just shy of a month from going into her sixtieth year. Were these self-fulfilling prophecies? or a knowing, within the person, that gave them the confidence to state the obvious to them, that those around them did not care to hear or acknowledge, as not only valid, but true.
After my father died, I vowed that when I found myself in the same situation, I would not deny the claims of the dying person, but be there for them in their time of need, in their time of departure. I was there for my sister, sensing her end on earth was near. I spent time with her, laughed with her, and in her final moments in hospital, with my forehead resting on the edge of her hospital bed, she breathed no more. The moment I took my eyes from her face, she left me there in the stillness, and dear reader, she quickly became a shell, so unmoving it shocked my spirit. I recall the same feeling when I saw my fathers inanimate body; the body without the spirit becomes a thing unlovable and grotesque, and believe me when I tell you, the life truly is in the blood, because when it is not flowing, the person starts immediately, to go cold and change colour.
There is a time to laugh and a time to weep, and I think now is the time to weep, for those that are suffering and dying, and for those that wait and watch with despair, knowing they can do nothing to stop the carnage. Death ravages dear one. Death is thoughtless and cruel, and has no sense of compassion. We must be the compassionate ones. We must say soothing things to the suffering souls that face their own mortality.
❓Who do you need to spend time with so that you haven't any regret when they are gone?
❓What do you need to say to this loved one, that will free your heart and fill theirs up?
❓What do they need, dear reader: listen to them carefully now, what are they saying?
Are they trying to make it easier for you, bravely speaking platitudes while being terrified in their private moments of pain? Alternatively, are they telling you that it is all too hard and the end is near, and they want you to understand that they know what is happening to them?
We all have windows of opportunity, and they may be opened wide for a time and then slowing, or all too rapidly, shut, closing us out. Don't waste your chance to show, to be, love and compassion for those in desperate need of both, whether they state their need or not.
Compassionate displays of empathy will not save the dying, but it can soothe their soul in the knowing that they are not alone - even though each of us dies solo - and that someone is there to hear their frightened and vulnerable thoughts. You too, will die one day, and won't it be of greatest comfort to you, to have your troops rally around, letting you know that you mattered in their lives, left a lasting impression, and that you will be missed when you become one of their dearly departed?
I hate this moment in my writing, dear reader, where I sound like a doomsayer, where I hit that dissonant note of grief ... This Christmas will be the worst one for so many, I can hardly bear the thought. The death toll rises and there isn't a household that hasn't lost one, two, or many more of their family and friends, to the devils plotted and executed plan. The dawning of realization is brightening understanding, that we are now living the horror of mass murder ...
I see Christmas lights on trees and houses, and massive blow-up Santa's and other ridiculous mockeries, decorating lawns, and I think to myself, what an un-wonderful world. Let us not pretend and make merry, when sorrowful tears soak the faces of those that have suffered deep grievous loss. Let us pray for them to seek and feel God's presence in the midst of soul shock and despair.
In Jesus name, Amen
Death is rough for those left behind to deal with the grief. I would like to offer a bit of a different perspective. Not sure if we ever told you but our first kid died of crib death (SIDS) back in 1983. She was exactly 6 weeks old when she died. We had an amazing pastor at the time who was there for us and offered some relief to our grief. The medical system wanted us to get grief counselling which we vehemently declined since we had the greatest Counsellor at our disposal if we chose to accept His comfort and not feel sorry for ourselves. We thought that maybe God chose to prevent us from having to endure something much worse with her even though she was by all accounts a very healthy girl. One of my best friends had their only son develop a disease similar to autism which they have had to endure for over 33 years now. Not sure if we could have survived that.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, God blessed us with 3 more amazing kids after our first one died. Who knows what would have happened had we not endured and survived the death of our first by God's grace and allowing Him to do His will instead of being bitter and feeling sorry for ourselves. God's grace should always be sufficient enough for us.
I felt the same way when my dad died in 2005 of lung cancer (or at least the treatment given to him by the medical profession for the cancer!!!). I was at peace knowing my dad was immediately in the presence of Jesus and no longer in pain. Same with my mom dying last year a month before Christmas. I understand that when we lose a parent who is in their elder years it isn't as rough as losing someone much younger but we need to keep in mind the big picture. My wife just reminded me of what the pastor of the church in CDA, Idaho where we attend when we are down there said just recently during one of the celebrations of life he officiated at:
Death for the believer is a graduation to something much better and what we were designed for in the first place. It is not the end of something but the beginning of eternity to be spent in the presence of God. That is such an awesome truth.