Exclusive Clubs

Are you in the club yet, dear reader? 

To be a part of certain clubs, to become a member that is, certain requirements must be met. I will list a couple of exclusive clubs you may have willingly, or perhaps with some resistance, joined:

1. Parenthood

2. Death of a parent

3. Unwell child

4. Divorce

5. Death of a sibling

Perhaps you are in one or all of these clubs? I just so happen to have entered into each in the order listed above. While I did not want to be a card carrying member for clubs 2-5, I cheerfully, even with morning, afternoon, and evening sickness, joined the parenthood club!

1. I recall when I realized that I was pregnant, after trying to eat my favourite meal and it tasting like rot, and thinking, I'm going to be a MOM, yay, barf, I mean yay, gag ... is that how raw meat really smells? YUCK! Thank You God, for my new little constant companion, my travel with me everywhere I go friend. My son is now twenty-seven, and I still think of him as God's gift to me: we are very very close, and enjoy each others company. The club of parenthood is a popular one, and I recognize not all get to join it, and many ought not, but I sure am glad God gave me entrance: motherhood is one of my all time favourite enjoyments in life. 

2. I recall when my father died, a friend said to me, You are crying because you feel sorry for yourself ... Yup, yup, I sure did, feel sorry for myself. I wasn't done with my father yet. When my strong and capable manly daddy died, it made me feel weak in the knees, and had me wondering if I would ever again feel as protected, from the big bad wolves in the world. It took me a very long time to accept his being gone, with me having no access to him. My friend apologized years later, when her dear old dad died too. She and I joined yet another club, of understanding, and compassion, over our mutual parental loss. 

3. The unwell child club is a horrid one to be dragged into. If you have been a member of the unwell child club, whether he or she was a tyke, toddler, or old enough to shave either legs or face or both (that's a little joke, dear reader ... some females have a too much facial hair and need some help ridding themselves of it), then you know how terrifying it can feel to be of no assistance, and suffer the helpless feeling of ineptitude. When my son was seriously ill, I relied on this snippet from scripture: 

However this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting (Matthew 17:21)

I relied on God's will when mine could do nothing to make my son well. I prayed and prayed some more. Where do you go, and what do you do, dear one, when you have nothing to offer the sick of body, of mind, of soul? Do you know someone that you simply cannot help? God has the answers to all of your troubles, and He loves your son or daughter far more than you can fathom, far more than you are capable of. Go to God for solace, comfort, and hope for healing. My son is well, sound, and healed in every way, and I give God the glory for this turn around. While I never want to be an active member in this club again, I know the Great Physician, and trust in His Sovereign will: some things, are beyond my control and reach, and the power of healing is one of them. 

4. Divorce is one of those clubs that millions have joined. It is the kind of club that can make a person feel vulnerable, endangered, susceptible, suspicious, lonely, self-conscious and self-doubting. I recall wondering while in the grocery store, Does everyone know I am all alone? Can they see that I am single? Eeck, do they know my husband left me? 

People leave each other all the time, and often the leaving shows up in teeny tiny almost invisible ways, or grotesque and ugly obvious displays, but the departing invariably has signs and symptoms that can be detected after the departure. I ain't mad, dear reader. My former husband and I did perhaps the best we could, considering our differences of opinion on what matters in life; but the divorce club, is an ugly one, because of the havoc it wreaks in families. I am divorced, but not damaged, and I attribute my well being to the understanding that God works wonders in our changed and sometimes challenging situations. My home became a sanctuary in which my son healed ... I can't say I like this club, but it is better than the alternative, of one or both partners being miserable in marriage. I don't believe in divorce, but then again, I already said, I joined against my will.  

5. The last club to be discussed here, is the death of a sibling. I joined only last week, and it is absolutely loathsome. It is one of the worst ever experiences of my existence, because my older sister proceeded me in life, and now in death, and the gap in-between is so very painful to face. How do I do it, dear one? How do I think of her and not call, or text, send a bitmoji, or meme, or make shopping or gardening plans, how, I ask you, HOW? 

I want her back, and just like my dad, I am not done with her. I couldn't hold her here, she slipped away, and what is a gal to do with this sadness, this sorrow, this heartbreak? She was an utter goofball. How do I find THAT again? She was one of a kind, a living breathing Disney character, and while I type I chuckle and cry at the very same time because I cannot comprehend, the here today laughter and the gone tomorrow grief. They are incompatible in my head and heart. If you are in this club, dear dear reader, I am so sorry for you, I am so sad for you. What can we possibly say to one another, or do for one another, to console?

I hate platitudes, they make my skin crawl. I hate the, You will see her again, Rest in peace, She is in a better place nonsense. No one that knows me well would ever say these empty things. God knows where she is, and He knows where each of us is going. Life is our greatest gift, and when our numbered days are gone off the calendar, we carry on, with a changed format of course. I could not reach into my sister and recharge her batteries, or have her somehow go back to factory setting. Our bodies betray us in the end, and no one can stop death from throwing its mantle upon us, closing our eyes and shutting our ears, turning off our senses and our ability to feel and give love. Dead, dear one, is dead, and there is no road back to living the way we were, so to speak, once we too, take our last breath. 

In my last piece of writing, I spoke about a strange tranquility ... my comfort comes from knowing that God knows all. Right now I anticipate a storm, and man alive, it is music to my ears to hear the thunder rolling in. The Bible says this:

Revelation 21:4

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. 

I pray it pours, that the heavens cry with me and for me and for everyone that misses my sister and aches to see her again. I pray that she is where I am going, but you know dear reader, while we are here and our loved ones are somewhere else, we just never know where God has placed them, until we do see them again. 

I will leave you now, and thank you as I go, for being here with me. I hope the clubs you join are lovely and by choice, but if you happen to be in any of the ones I have membership in, know that this too shall pass, or at least, the edgy pain will diminish. I am glad, I tell you, glad that I am missing my sister ... it speaks volumes of the relationship we managed to cultivate as siblings: if you have siblings, you know how hard becoming friends can be! 

Antonella was my friend, and I miss her. She loved dogs, sometimes more than people. I have included a picture of her with my little dog Dot, who died around this time last year ...