Life Is It Anyway

The not so funny joke of "you have married your mother/father" exists because it's true. The unconscious decisions we sometimes make are based on an unfinished story, often times, someone else's. What do you do when someone else's story is superimposed on your life?  What is this ancient ritual of passing on dysfunction or on the brighter side of this scenario, passing on the happy and the good from and in relationship?  Whichever scenario we find ourselves in, there is a remembering, a pulling back to what was and in everyday life, it shows up as what currently is.  This is a messy kind of statement so I will explain.  Let's play with the idea that when I selected my mate, he was very different from my father.  As time went on, similarities between my husband and father became apparent, and from there, someone might observe and say positively or with a negative snarl, "you married your father".  This generally is stated in the negative and has a Freudian feel, an unresolved issue that shows up looking for healing, understanding, resolution.  The big question is:  if my husband actually was unlike my father when we began our relationship and gradually became more like him as time went on, did I do or say or live a life that formed and shaped, created in essence, a repeat of who my father was for some unknown reason?  This question takes me to this thought filled question:  Who's life is it anyway?  Am I okay with someone else's superimposed life placed dark shadow like overtop of mine?  What role do I play in giving away my freedom to chose for myself in favour of repeating what I have learned?  We create all the time, including our reality. What is yours?  Who's life is it anyway?  You decide. 

Love is a Verb

Some people choose to be right, regardless of the facts. We all tell stories in our heads and have the ability to shall I say politely, embellish the truth or twist it to prove a point and validate our thoughts, feelings and ultimately the story we tell. There is someone I love, I can't help but love, but the stories in her head, they keep us apart.  Our vision, the colour of our glasses, how we see the world and it's people is telling, it speaks to our inner thought world and shows up in brief interactions with strangers and in more intimate contact with supposed beloved ones.  There is always the energy trail, the trace left behind that lingers and either leaves a rash or feels like the sprinkling of Heavenly shimmering fairy dust. The leave behind trace lingers and then fades and the unaware, the unconscious souls that go about the world clunking and banging, wreaking havoc with the peace of others around them, they leave destruction in their wake, debris to be cleaned up in their absence as they go off to go about their distructive business elsewhere.  I have heard there is a thin line between love and hate, this is a line I never want to draw or cross. I like the term "love is a verb", it goes along with the expression "actions speak louder than words".  What I think and or feel affects what I say and what I do~think about it, isn't this true of EVERYONE in your life?  If you don't see love demonstrated, in action by another, chances are, it just isn't there.

Brave

I like this line "your history of silence won't do you any good, did you think it would" from the song Brave by Sara Bareilles.  There is another line in the song that speaks to waiting for permission to decide, to speak.  I remember being in the second of five of CTI's core curriculum courses. I said something I thought was clever and one of the leaders was standing close by. My hope was that she too would think it clever and I said as much when I told her I had made the comment because she was standing within ear shot. She looked me in the eye and said "you are not in kindergarten, you don't need my approval".  Yikes, that truthful comment stung and I am so grateful for it. From childhood, all systems align to have children conform, perform, behave and comply. Seeking approval is natural as insecurity rules in new learning environments, even in adulthood. How do we make the switch from being told what to do, how to do it and what makes the grade, to being self confident, trusting our own intuition and discernment?  One comment, one perspective, one truth at a time, that's how. Trust yourself, this is the mantra, it is easier said than done. In the song Brave, the singer song writer says "I wanna see you be brave, honestly, let the words fall out". What are you waiting for?  It's your life, speak like you have nothing to lose.  When it's the truth you speak and it is spoken with kindness, in service of another, it may be just what they need to hear to help set them free, it may also be just what you needed to say to set YOU free. 

Abandon

What about fun?  What about singing with abandon?  What about not giving a fig, loving yourself so much that you are your full on crazy fun self? Go, play...for you. Dance like you just do care!

Conflicted

Conflicted. There is a space between having what you or I want and wanting what we have. I met a man recently at the gym while doing cardio and for two days in a row, we chatted. The conversations were heavy because he had heavy thoughts.  I told him I am a coach and being a bright man, he knew when I was in coaching mode and we laughed when he named it. Today I blurted that he is conflicted...I'm torn between being ashamed of myself and proud of myself for naming what I saw in him, an almost perfect stranger. This changed our repoire, as shocking statements are prone to do, and I'm left wondering if my comment left a mark.  The conflict?  What he does for a living and what he wants to do are two different things~this is the simplified version of what is going on in his life. This showed up in then and now statements, self depricating comments, anger, irritation...my wise mum says the tongue always goes to the sore tooth.  This means that no matter who this guy talks to, whatever is sitting heavily on his soul, whatever is weighing him down will come out verbally. Words are the overflow of the heart, in this case, a rended heart on the verge of breaking. He didn't hire me as coach, and it's not my place to mend his heart, he must do this himself by soul searching and being true to what he wants and living into that truth.  Coaching has given me tools to see, name what I see, and when I dare, to speak it with the intention of edifying my fellow man.  Conflict resolution is one of many powerful and wonderful life giving outcomes from coaching. May the coaching force be with you. 

Oral Exam Fun

Tonight marks the end of my certification program with CTI. I had an oral exam and had the fantastic experience of coaching my examiners, my colleagues in the profession. I have been a working paid coach for some time and already considered myself to be a coach, prior to tonight's big event~the oral exam was a rite of passage, the icing on a super delicious double layer chocolate cake.  My examiners wanted me to do well, they were invested in my success and believed that tonight was cause for joyful celebration, and they were right. The CTI model is humanity in action, the coach is figuratively the hands and feet, the servant to the client who wants to live large and full on. The client always and forever has all of the answers and the coach gets to hold the client up, like when one person offers for another to sit on their shoulders to see something fantastic, get a better view!  Coaching has transformed my life and I am gushy with appreciation. I am thrilled to be a Co-Active CTI Coach and soon, very soon, I will be able to call myself certified. 

Savouring

Striving is a tiresome endeavour.  This is not a new discovery, flow is. Being in the flow means I don't have to have all of the answers, reasons, particulars. In the past, these items were temporary appeasements, quick fixes for the discomfort of not being in control of situations, feelings, circumstances.  I shrug at the thought of going back to that need to know place, relieved in the current knowledge that the facts don't always have to add up and that the false sense of security that facts provide in the short term are just a puff of smoke, an exhale of cold breath.  In striving, there is an end goal, a I've got to get there urgency that steals from the experience of now.  My friend Keli has a delicious relationship with her morning coffee. She is a Starbucks fan and before she sips she simmers, savouring the experience she knows she will have as cup meets lips and coffee tantalizes waiting taste buds. She hesitates, knowing that she is going to have an experience, choosing to luxuriate and enjoyyyyyyyy, ahhhhhhhh.  Makes me want a coffee, how about you?  It is the delight of the experience that makes the coffee more delicious. It is the appreciation of the pleasure that makes every morning cup an event. Maybe striving isn't so bad, if what you are striving for is the enjoyment of the simple things that make living something to relish.  Keli Nethercott, you joyful muse you, let's have coffee soon.