Gossip

The trap of gossip

Have you ever fallen into the trap of gossip? Someone has the proverbial bee in their bonnet and as soon as they see you, they begin to criticize or complain about someone you may or may not know. I don't know about you but this makes me extremely uncomfortable. It rarely happens to me and when it does, I have a tendency to fight for the person who is not in the room. What happens with you, dear reader?

Gossip is a triangle

I grew up as the middle child of three, all females. That meant that we had four women in the house, and you can bet your last chocolate chip muffin, that there were some truly nasty, gossipy, unkind moments, that contagiously spread amongst the four, or three of us, depending on the prevailing situations. This is called triangulation. It works like this: I am upset and want someone to agree with me. I look for agreement from another, you know, a partner in criticism crime. I pick all the horrible things that person has recently said, and done, and anticipate some collusion, someone to knowingly nod their head and say yeah, that so and so really is a piece of work. When I don't get want I am shopping for, I might up the anti. Upping the anti with a sibling or relative might take the form of me proving my case, as in pointing out the history of the person I am mad at and saying, see, look, remember when she/he did the exact same thing to you? This may or may not work, and I recall the time I made the decision that it would no longer work on me.

Breaking a pattern intentionally

The pattern was, and is, unhealthy, and can cause severe guilt, because once you or I agree with things said behind closed doors, it feels like betrayal when we must again, face the person who has been spoken about. This is an extremely uncomfortable topic, because there is a learning curve that follows the decision to not gossip, to refrain from speaking of someone when they are not in the room. What I mean by this learning curve, is that if there has been a pattern established, it takes extra attention and devoted intentionality to stop the cycle or loop from continuing. This means a bold statement of no, I will not talk about her/him without them being present, because I just don't want to.

Gossip bloodies hands and consciences 

Bloody hands 

Gossip isn't always about feeling angry with another and wanting to have an ally to help you emotionally cope and fight back. We all know that gossip can be spiteful, and born of the green eyed monster jealousy. Gossip can also stem from a need to be seen as someone who is important, informed, and privy to private information. Whatever the impetus, gossip can be extremely destructive, and bloodies many hands and guilty consciences.

What am I getting out of criticizing,

 and involving others in my gossip ring?

The question becomes: When is it justifiable to speak of another? This too, feels like a sticky and touchy topic to address. I like the advice of being "tough on the issues, soft on the person". This means we may not like the attitudes, words, and behaviours of others and at the same time, we can still care for and love them, without cutting them to ribbons behind their back. If loving them is not possible, and being critical of them is the overriding tendency, than perhaps you need to look at you, and ask yourself:

What am I getting out of criticizing, and what am I getting out of trying to involve other people in my gossip ring? What do you have to say, dear reader? Is there some room for you to make some changes? Learning from the past is a sign of intelligence.

Moving forward with a new lease on our mouths, I mean lives, is a sign of brilliance.