Deference

Deference

Deference is defined as: polite submission and respect. It makes me think of a bow or curtesy to another followed by a bent forward position while backing away. The image of a subject before royalty comes to mind with a subservient sentiment. The subject feels less than and unworthy in comparison to the person they bow before. There is something about the definition of deference that rubs me the wrong away, like I want to go into the word and its associated sentiment and do an erase. Deferring can show up in intimate relationships and when it does, a power imbalance may result. Here is what I'm thinking and what has me contemplating this idea of deferring to another. I will start with a question: Have you ever been awed by someone, engaged in a little hero worship, and perhaps given that person more consideration in decision making than was equitable, only to discover that your deference to their opinions and will was an error in judgment on your part? Plainly speaking, you gave them too much decision making power in your life and this negatively impacted you? I have, thus the piece of writing before you. How do you know when you are deferring to another? It is when insecurity is heightened in that persons company; it is when speaking to that person requires careful thought and consideration with many a polite detour in getting to a point; it is when we see or hear the persons name and dread the thought of an encounter. It is when we prefer not to tell them too much for fear of their reaction or judgmental opinion. It is when we feel strangely powerless to make decisions, and weakness in their presence. How about this-your lip begins to curl at the thought of their voice and facial expressions. Lastly, you just don’t want to deal with them and their attitude-this is the bottom line. Insecurity, inadequacy and low self esteem are the ugly companions of continued deference because to not speak up feels like giving in, at the expense of what we believe, value and want. Check yourself for these signs and symptoms. Does the above description match your experience? What price have you paid for submitting to someone else’s will? Equality in relationship is healthy wholesome and safe for both parties. What do you need to feel a mutual healthy respect in relation to those closest to you? You are free, captive to no one. This is your right, to be free, even when you disagree. No man, woman or child is the boss of you.