Remember This

"Remember this-your outward behaviour is the truth, whereas your inner perception of your behaviour is often an illusion". This is a quote from The Power of Focus by authors Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen and Les Hewitt. In simpler terms, you are your behaviours. This is a painful truth when we take into account how we occupy ourselves in a day, a week, a year and so on. Lets do a quick inventory for the sake of clarity. Are you lazy, messy, disorganized, dishevelled? Are you hard working, neat, orderly, groomed? Are you overweight, unfit, a junk food eater and smoker? Are you a healthy eater, responsible drinker, regular exerciser? Can people count on you, trust you, believe you? Does this feel like an inquisition? You are not alone Dear Reader because I have asked myself these questions and the answers have me looking at my behaviours and my perceptions of the behaviours. Recently, I challenged myself to a new outlook. I heard long ago, work smart, not hard. I liked the IDEA of this and yet, the concept is faulty in many ways or at least, it has been in my life. When I look closely at the concept, I see that efficiency may be the measure of smartness sought after and not an ease of living that I adapted myself to. Hard work is the hallmark of success. Hard work speaks to the dedication, the all in, the turn it up (of volume and intensity) of whatever you are in, be it your home, the gym, your office, wherever it is life takes you. Are you paying attention to what you do with your time, with your existence Dear Reader? We can betray ourselves and feel the sting by saying one thing and doing another. "Behaviour is the truth." This simple statement speaks volumes and has us look at ourselves, if we have the courage that is. How hard are you willing to work to have what it is you say you want? Before answering this question, answer this: what do you want? The behaviours must match the quest. You CAN have what your heart desires and your outward behaviours will pave the way. Consider yourself challenged. 

Vibrancy

Vibrancy is defined in these ways: full of energy and life; (of colour) bright and striking; (of sound) strong or resonating; quivering; pulsating. Lets link some words together. Vibrancy is the essence of being filled with energy, colour, sound and vibration. Being ALIVE in its fullest sense. Question-are you vibrantly alive, Dear Reader? Take a moment and ponder: Is my life energetically infused with bright and striking colour? Does my voice strongly resonate what I value and believe? Am I pulsating with the quivering glory of my existence? What came to you Dear Reader, as you asked yourself about your own vibrancy? I am considering my own as I type. With corrective lenses and a good ear cleaning, I think I might be able to make my way to the full spectrum of a rainbow of colours and the sharpness of hearing nuance and gorgeous subtly. Lately I have been craving the joy that sometimes makes me feel like I will bust wide open in crazy happiness bubbles, like the colourful soapy bubbles that children blow in the summer time for fun. I see myself as a bubble, bobbing on the summer heat waves, floating skyward and disappearing, only to be recreated again and again, popping and than  becoming yet another bubble in giddy fashion. This misses the mark and I think it is representative of what we are all experiencing in this life, hits of fun, hits of joy, hits that end up being misses because they do not last and they cause us to chase after what it is we really crave...What do you really crave, Dear One? Might I point you in a direction, if you are still with me here? Vibrancy comes from a relationship with yourself, first and foremost. Knowing when and where, with whom and why is vital.  When do you feel the most energetic? When is the world bright and striking? How does sound, what you hear strengthen you and increase internal resonance? What makes you quiver in pulsating aliveness? Dull is real and you may be living it because you haven't sensed and felt what vibrancy is and can be. You have had hints of it though, haven't you? I mean true moments when joy was so abundant that you could barely stay in your skin, let alone your body? When WAS that Dear One and were you alone or in company? What made you feel totally alive, aloud and allowed? Ask yourself these questions and you will begin to see the answers that perfectly match who YOU are! Trust yourself now, take the filters off (that is a topic for another time) and give yourself permission to be honest. More pointedly, and for the sake of comparison, what makes you dull, lifeless, deafens you and causes you to check out of life? After the comparing, I encourage you to choose the aliveness that awaits you and calls you by name. I'm so glad we had this time together. My day is brighter for having you in it and I can hear you, thinking and hoping, wanting a vibrant life. May it be abundantly yours this very day. 

Poisonous Fear Plant

The warning system can be tampered with by outside sources

An internal warning system is built into most humans. This system detects threat and danger, sends signals via the sympathetic nervous system, activating our fight or flight response. When all is in working order, this system is fantastic and useful for the human bestowed by nature with this gift of danger detection. Now here is the disconcerting truth. This system is sensitive and subject to malfunction, override, unnecessary rewiring and disconnect. The warning system can be tampered with by outside sources and when this happens, balance is challenged and one can be thrown off kilter.

Play in the sandbox sweetheart, where you will be safe

Here is an example: A child is in the park with parents close by. The child has climbed the ladder of play ground equipment with the intention of going down the slide. Suddenly without warning, the child is plucked from the eighth of ten rungs and told “That is too high for you, you might get hurt. Here, play in the sandbox sweetheart, where you will be safe”. Where there was no evident fear or pressing worry in the child, a seed has been planted by someone they trust, someone outside of their experience. There are several messages inside this one large message, can you name them? These messages are repeated to the child in innumerable ways and the child’s natural interest in exploring and testing physical (and more poignantly psychosocial) limits become emotionally charged fear filled experiences. The child becomes limited and thwarted and this, my dear reader, is an unnatural override of a healthy system built to serve the body it resides in. How can the child trust him/herself in the world if told early and often, not to?

A sense of fear may take hold and prevail

In the above example, the child becomes disconnected from him/herself and the physical world around them because what they wanted to do (climb and slide) was interrupted by someone outside of them. A sense of fear may take hold and prevail, followed by all choices being made or not made while looking through a veil of potential danger. The world becomes a suspiciously scary place where being careful is of utmost importance. As child grows into adult, fears can become neurosis, defined as: “a relatively mild mental illness that is not caused by organic disease, involving symptoms of stress (depression, anxiety, obsessive behaviour, hypochondria) but not a radical loss of touch with reality.” The poisonous fear seed was planted early and took root, rewiring a healthy system with one that sends unnecessary danger messages far too frequently.

Transference of fear

Fear reduces self-confidence

In our example and in psychological terms, there has been emotional transference from parent to child. Fear messages amongst other restrictive messages, have been sent and received, impacting the child's self confidence in the world. At this point, I ask you to again, look above to the definition of neurosis. In this definition, the symptoms of a mild form of mental illness are not of an organic nature. My point is that the damage caused by parents or guardians who override the naturally wholesome system that their children or wards are born with can cause depression, anxiety, obsessive behaviour and hypochondria.

Are you guilty of not being careful

Perhaps this has been your experience, dear reader? Perhaps a well meaning and yet unaware adult imposed an override in your system that has resulted in malfunction? Has fear had much too much say in where you go, what you do, with whom and when? And then there is this: when something goes wrong, do you curse yourself for not having known better; for being too precocious; for taking too big a risk? Are you guilty of not being careful? Lastly, is it your fault because you should have could have done things differently to prevent the hardship or injury/illness that has happened?

You can rewire yourself

Relating to the above may have you wondering what can be done? What can you do to free yourself from this strangle hold fear has on you and your life? I speak from personal experience when I tell you that change is possible. You can rewire yourself dear one, by questioning if your fears are valid and true. By testing them in the world around you and by returning to your original natural setting of trusting yourself and the system that is perfectly built into you. If climbing to the top of a jungle gym and taking the slide down to the bottom frightens you, do it anyway. Chances are, you will survive, little kids do it all the time. Not interested in playground fun? Find something else to challenge yourself with that scares the heck out you, proving that fear is not the boss of you.

You are wonderfully made by a Masterful Craftsman, with built in mechanisms for brilliance and majesty. Taking risks whether or not they work out the way you hoped and planned are part of this amazing life you get to live. Let no man, nor poisonous fear plant, steal your birthright.  

Need

When I need it the most. When I need it the most, I get signs and signals that I am noticed. When I need it the most, messages of encouragement are shot my way through the narrowing entrance to my heart. When I need it the most, I am reassured that I am loved, lovely, loveable. When I need it the most, I am told, its okay, you are ok. When worry or fear threaten to drown me in despair, I am reminded not to try so hard, that I am not alone and I need only rest. When I need it the most, others become my strength, my source of wisdom, my everything until I can stand again in my own strength. Is this not, Dear Reader, what we all need, what we all want? To be noticed, encouraged, reassured, loved, fortified? Is it not the strength of another that allows us to see that we too, can be strong, even powerful? I am kitten weak today, knowing that my strength is depleted, that I have nothing to give. This means I must receive, be open to the ebb and flow. I had a power surge and now I am wasted, laid bare. The tide has gone out and took a part of me with it. This is what emotional exhaustion looks and feels like. The sun is shining in as I type, first time today as it has been windy with rain, colder than yesterday. In the heat of yesterday, I was on fire. In the cool and rain of today, I recognize my needs, and they are to rest, knowing that the ebb is just as important and valuable as the flow of life. Quietude, I have resisted you, because you are my restoration and reminder that I am not all powerful, uniquely independent and without need. You remind me that I humbly require care, help, and restoration. I am not the force, I need The Force, the Power to start again, once I have regenerated. Ah, blessed relief from human extravagance. Its the quiet that I need and today without resistance, it is mine. 

Some Kind of Outstanding

I have seen despair turn into delight. I know the sound of hopelessness in a cracking voice and have listened to conversion into singsong gladness. I have witnessed  paralyzing fear transformed into boldness. I have watched tears fall from sorrowful eyes and the same eyes glisten with wonder. Broken to mended, hurt to heart full. It's all some kind of outstanding. Today, I felt and knew again in my heart of hearts, this: “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28 NLT. The sheer joy of knowing this, believing this, faithfully holding on to this one verse and then, and THEN, seeing Gods love in action is some kind of crazy ether filled to overflowing cup of cosmic outstandingness. Pain transcended and transformed into joy indescribable is a wonder to witness and it is everywhere. Look for it, believe and you will indeed, find the Good God wants for you. 

NO Pressure

What do you know about pressure? Have you ever been shamed into doing something? I was having a conversation the other day with my live in mother. She is decidedly a neatness and clean freak. I say this with the utmost of affection and appreciation (I learned this along the way) because I admire her tenacity and focus. She likes things a certain way and when things are out of place, she becomes disturbed, to put it mildly. I am entertained as I write-the poor dear has had to put up with much from a family that is otherwise occupied. I like cleanliness too, however, cleaning is not my focus. Lets go back to the conversation I mentioned in the beginning. My mom has wanted the outside of the kitchen cabinets cleaned for weeks now and she asked me again the other day if I would do them. My answer was "no, I am not interested." Her next attempt was a plea: "they only need to be cleaned once a year." I said "lets hire someone." She then attempted to shame me by asking suggestively "Don't you take pride in your home?" I am laughing as I write because my answers provide wild entertainment for me as I recount. I said I didn't care about the cabinets, that I wasn't interested in cleaning them and finally, that that thing, the guilt thing she was trying to pull, that wasn't going to work either! Lastly, and I am super excited to share this one with you Dear Reader, I stated this: "I don't care about cleaning the cabinet doors or the windows (they got thrown in there somewhere but I will spare you the details) and, for as much as you care about cleaning, that is how much I DON'T care." Let me reiterate dramatically "I DON'T CARE!" (that was for you Dear One, practice I don't care, it is fun!). What do I want you to know at this point? I want you to know that what is important to you is valuable and what is important to another person is also valuable. The question becomes, what do you want to do with your time, your energy? Are you spending it in a way that is demanded of you by another? Do you sometimes or even often, wish you were somewhere else, doing something other than what you are doing? Pressure from the outside can feel coercive and emotionally charged. When shame is brought into the picture to manipulate a person or a situation, the playing ground becomes uneven and choice seems elusive. My mom, she wanted some cleaning done. I can respect that. I also respect her tendency. She asked more than once in more than one way. Her last attempt was unfair and a desperate play for getting her own way and as I pull apart the pieces of this interaction, it is with good humour and delight over her attempts to work me over. The fact that it didn't work, also delights and humours me. My moms kind of focus means things get done, no matter what resistance she encounters. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, or so they say. She likes to clean, I like to write. We both are clear about what we want and what we will do, or not do in the cleaning scenario, to have it. The fact that I refused to do as she asked is a non issue because she got what she wanted in the end by tapping into another resource, minus the manipulation. I like that cute little line, no means no. It packs a punch. Sometimes saying no repeatedly is required. If no is your initial reaction, how come? How many times can you say no? What do YOU need to focus on to stay the course and resist the pressure that comes at you, the persistence of another or others? This is your life, how do you want to spend it? Did I hear you say no? Good for you, go say it some more. 

Abstractly Concrete

I was playing a mind game to sharpen my wits this morning. One of the exercises is verbal reasoning and the object of the game is to quickly categorize words on the screen into concepts of abstract or concrete. Words like avarice, fear, hat, hate, endearing, fireplace, car, monkey appear. The gamer is timed and then rated on accuracy in placing the words in the correct category. A percentile compared to others in the same age group is also given as a measure for the player. This game got me thinking, which is an abstract concept, about feelings, which are also abstract. People are unique walking talking concrete things. I resisted the urge to say that we are beings because that too, is an abstract concept. The confusion lies in our emotions, our reactions, our perceptions of our existence and experiences in this life. As I type, I click on a computer key board, definitely concrete, about my ideas, definitely abstract. Things and thoughts. Thoughts become things. Yes, highly philosophical. My prevalent abstract thought is that we are in control of our thoughts and have the ability to redirect them to other thoughts. This, of course, can decrease/increase heart rate, blood pressure, salivation, sweating, going hot or cold. Reactions are physical, concrete and measurable bodily manifestations of thoughts and the feelings the thoughts evoke, running like currents through our bodies. You want to know at this point what I'm driving at, isn't that right? Here it is. Feelings and thoughts are subjective and abstract, they are not absolutes. How do I know this, you ask? I know it the same way you do, Dear Reader. Depending on mood or disposition, what makes one person angry, another will scoff and laugh at. Practical jokes are one simple example of varied and diverse reactions. Insults too, are taken either with a grain of salt or feel like salt in an open wound. You can change your reactions by changing your thoughts. This is useful and can be life altering if the patterns you have been entrenched in are causing anxiety and spilling over into your relationships, along with affecting your decision making abilities. Calm, cool and collected may very well be the new you, replacing anxious, fearful and fretting with racy heart and sweating palms. So there you have it, an abstract approach to hopefully concrete and measurable results. You are a thinking breathing brilliantly made human being that can choose how and what you think. Exciting. 

Gossip

The trap of gossip

Have you ever fallen into the trap of gossip? Someone has the proverbial bee in their bonnet and as soon as they see you, they begin to criticize or complain about someone you may or may not know. I don't know about you but this makes me extremely uncomfortable. It rarely happens to me and when it does, I have a tendency to fight for the person who is not in the room. What happens with you, dear reader?

Gossip is a triangle

I grew up as the middle child of three, all females. That meant that we had four women in the house, and you can bet your last chocolate chip muffin, that there were some truly nasty, gossipy, unkind moments, that contagiously spread amongst the four, or three of us, depending on the prevailing situations. This is called triangulation. It works like this: I am upset and want someone to agree with me. I look for agreement from another, you know, a partner in criticism crime. I pick all the horrible things that person has recently said, and done, and anticipate some collusion, someone to knowingly nod their head and say yeah, that so and so really is a piece of work. When I don't get want I am shopping for, I might up the anti. Upping the anti with a sibling or relative might take the form of me proving my case, as in pointing out the history of the person I am mad at and saying, see, look, remember when she/he did the exact same thing to you? This may or may not work, and I recall the time I made the decision that it would no longer work on me.

Breaking a pattern intentionally

The pattern was, and is, unhealthy, and can cause severe guilt, because once you or I agree with things said behind closed doors, it feels like betrayal when we must again, face the person who has been spoken about. This is an extremely uncomfortable topic, because there is a learning curve that follows the decision to not gossip, to refrain from speaking of someone when they are not in the room. What I mean by this learning curve, is that if there has been a pattern established, it takes extra attention and devoted intentionality to stop the cycle or loop from continuing. This means a bold statement of no, I will not talk about her/him without them being present, because I just don't want to.

Gossip bloodies hands and consciences 

Bloody hands 

Gossip isn't always about feeling angry with another and wanting to have an ally to help you emotionally cope and fight back. We all know that gossip can be spiteful, and born of the green eyed monster jealousy. Gossip can also stem from a need to be seen as someone who is important, informed, and privy to private information. Whatever the impetus, gossip can be extremely destructive, and bloodies many hands and guilty consciences.

What am I getting out of criticizing,

 and involving others in my gossip ring?

The question becomes: When is it justifiable to speak of another? This too, feels like a sticky and touchy topic to address. I like the advice of being "tough on the issues, soft on the person". This means we may not like the attitudes, words, and behaviours of others and at the same time, we can still care for and love them, without cutting them to ribbons behind their back. If loving them is not possible, and being critical of them is the overriding tendency, than perhaps you need to look at you, and ask yourself:

What am I getting out of criticizing, and what am I getting out of trying to involve other people in my gossip ring? What do you have to say, dear reader? Is there some room for you to make some changes? Learning from the past is a sign of intelligence.

Moving forward with a new lease on our mouths, I mean lives, is a sign of brilliance. 

Anticipatory Senses

At times I feel as though my writing is of an anticipatory nature. I will listen to, read or watch a person, a book, a show and get intuitive hits, ideas that precede the conclusions that are reached in the watching and listening. Cool. Now what am I tapping into is the question? Is this some unique ability that is all mine and to which I have cornered the market? Hell no, you have this ability too. Look at the word anticipatory, it is in the dictionary which means this informative gift has been around and accessible for longer than our history or existence in this world. You can tap in if you care to, if you dare to. How, you ask? Lets start at the end and work backward to the beginning. Nothing is personal and all things are about circumstance. There is a state of detachment that can make you and me aware of factual conditions and give us clarity about what we need to do to go into the fray or extricate ourselves from it. An on/off so to speak, switch of coldness. I must at this point, go into an example. When I see violence, it sickens me, especially when the vulnerable are brutalized. I need not go into description, you too have seen what I hint at and have had a visceral response (or so I assume). Next comes my sorrow at being unable to have stopped said violation of the innocent, which makes me feel helpless and hopeless, neutered from actively protecting those in jeopardy. These emotions are fleeting for me and they turn into something else, quite rapidly. To be specific, I experience anger mixed with the desire to avenge the innocent, seek and secure justice, fight back. This emotional up ramp is disconcerting to say the least, because I could not prevent what I saw and am in no position to fight the battles of the victims already injured, at least, not in this unstable state of reactionary upheaval. Cold must come over me, with calculated clarity. In order for justice to be served, I must secure calm which will allow me the thinking space to make informed decisions. The heart informs me of the painful circumstances and my head, it acts as the master of all further ceremonies. It is not about me is the message and what will I do about it is the question? Backtracking our way from where we are to where we started in any emotionally charged scenario can be a great retrieval system, helping us understand ourselves and what motivates us to action. Meaning this can help us anticipate outcomes once we permit the emotions to be bathed in sanitizer. I do not mean to be cryptic, I mean to be clear. You WILL develop clarity once you stop taking everything personally. As the saying goes, its not all about you. Feel, understand your feelings, then act. Clinical, yes. Effective, definitely. Justice can be served and someone must have a clear head, anticipating the worst and or best and acting from this knowledge. It may very well be you. 

One Two Punch

Right jab, right hook, upper cut. Left jab, left hook, upper cut. These are the instructions I used to give as a cardio box instructor. Participants looked into the mirror as they threw punches. If the right hand and arm was being activated, the left hand remained in front of the face, just below eye level, to protect from incoming opponent punches, and visa versa. The pace was slow at first. Learning to punch is awkward and feels completely uncoordinated, especially when switching to the none dominate side. Once the punches were learned and transitions became more natural, we moved to double time. "Be fierce, punch like you mean it, like you are fighting for yourself and make some noise". I learned long ago that to fend off an attacker, screaming NO had some effect and acted like a deterrent. Silence, on the other hand, does nothing in the way of stoppage. As instructor, I had a longing for the people that took this class. I wanted them to learn how to fight, how to take themselves seriously, how to stand up for themselves and say NO. The best defence is a good offence and kicking or punching first when an attack is eminent is key to throwing off an opponent or would be space and body invader. Learning how to fight is essential and the physical training of the body has the power to generate internal mechanisms of attack and self defence in emotional arenas. Transferable skills. To be cut and dry honest here, I will declare the why of this writing. Humans can be and are, predatory. In this me society, many are trained in the self indulgence of narcissism and getting what they want with complete disregard for the impact their remorseless actions may have on others. If this be true and you are in agreement with this statement, then perhaps you will also agree that there are victims that fall prey to these mammalian empathy and compassionless creatures that roam the earth in search of their next fix? I know I know, this all sounds so dramatically dangerous and yet, you need only look around you to see that what you are reading is screaming be aware. Or perhaps, Dear Reader, you can relate to being the hunted, the one hurt and maimed, licking your wounds in wonder of how you have been so brutally attacked. Dare I say that the attack was by someone you know and have trusted? Please do not misunderstand me. I am not advocating fighting, attacking, violence. What I am stating is that if you are not willing to stand up for yourself you are in a precarious position of being prey and predators can sniff you out from miles away. If we water this down to one societal explanation that you have heard much about and perhaps have experienced, it is called Bullying. The power of the bully is seeing the weakness in their subject of torture and when they smell blood, the ruthless comes out of them and no amount of giving in to them will make them back off. I am not a predator, I am not prey. I do, however have a keen sense of how these base instincts and human behaviours play out. You can have this awareness and act on your knowledge. Learn how to fight, for yourself. Learn it from someone who knows the ropes and can model and teach you. Once you can fight for yourself, go teach someone else. You are not prey, you are wonderfully, powerfully, creatively made for Glory. 

Speak

So what are you holding back because of fear? Be nice now, no one wants to see you get upset, angry or irritable. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. Now listen, if you just smile and nod, keep your opinions to yourself, no one will get hurt. Keep your thoughts to yourself or you might start a fight and people might not like you after they hear what you have to say. Besides, what if you are wrong and speaking confirms that you are way off base? How close to your inner workings is the above description? Lets go deeper. So you listen, you maintain silence with thoughts and ideas swirling in your head. At certain points you disagree, in fact you down right get indignant with what you are hearing and your heart is pounding, ready to burst from your chest. Your tongue is not only tied, it is in knots and you feel yourself becoming despondent and checking the time for when you can be free of what you consider to be nonsense. Be free of the nonsense...be free of the nonsense...when THEY are done...they have the start and stop watch, they are in charge, they decide when where who why how, they they THEY. Yes they. What about YOU? I remember when my husband and I were first dating. I had a lot of opinions and I noticed that he hardly expressed his. I remember asking what he thought and he said "you may not like me anymore if you knew what I thought". I responded, "I could be so wrong and never know it if you don't share what you are thinking with me." He shares now, and just as I predicted, I have been wrong in some of my very strongly held opinions and not only this, I have been listened to, challenged, affirmed and considered. He is not afraid to speak and I am not afraid to hear. Ok so I am on the bold side, inclined to say what I see and share what I feel, at the risk of being wrong, misunderstood and perhaps even rejected. So what? In the above scenario, I mentioned checking the time, a waiting to be free of nonsense. There is no such thing! Nonsense lasts for as long as you are ready to suffer it, endure it, engage in it. Waiting to be freed is for prisoners, breaking free is for you, and me, when nonsense is clearly no longer tolerable. Here is the real challenge. Speak, than speak again until you are heard. Following the speaking, are you willing to take action, do something different that is so honest, so true to who you are and what you believe that looking back isn't an option? If you have fear and you are holding back,  this too is honest, because you are aware that by speaking, you may get push back, challenged, threatened and then that beating heart of yours might finally have its say. Lets face one more fact. You torture yourself when you don't speak your mind. You experience self loathing and your confidence takes a hit each time you allow nonsense to go unchallenged and self hatred grows its roots that much deeper. This a forfeiting of you, a disowning of your worth. A vicious cycle to be sure. The fear is real and yet, it does not have to be the boss of you, your jailor. Be your own Freedom Fighter and hold back no longer. They could be so wrong and never know it until you begin with speaking...

Don't Ask

Don't ask the question if the answer will break your heart

Don't ask the question if you are afraid of the answer. Don't ask the question if you want everything to stay the same. Don't ask the question if you know the answer and want it to be different. Don't ask the question if you just don't want to know, grow, change, discover, be accountable, understand, be understood, want more, want less, want. And then there is this... Don't ask the question if the answer will break your heart.

Questions can and often do, change everything

The answer is what you are afraid of, isn't that right, dear reader? Status quo, a remote and disparaging sense of control over circumstances keeps a would be adventurer in this world from asking the questions that can and often do, change everything. When daring to ask, we put ourselves in a vulnerable position. Once the question is out there, waiting for the answer can feel like a sword poised between you and another, readied to sever relationship.

How will they respond? Will this be the end of you and me if my question pushes the right or wrong buttons? What will be left of us if what I ask for and what you want to give are two different things? Will there be a meeting of the minds and in more delicate and intimate relationship, a meeting of hearts? Don't ask and you will never know but the risk you take is living with this constant nagging feeling of just not knowing.

Not knowing is like mosquito bites demanding attention

The not knowing is like mosquito bites that randomly and frequently demand your attention with an itch that does not go away despite your scratching. The bite site scratching is the emotional equivalent of thinking, talking and worrying about a situation without asking the right person or people the burning questions that can give you clarity. Asking the questions means you get to decide next steps, depending on the answers of course. It takes courage to be bold and brave enough to ask for what you want in this life. The asking isn't the dangerous part, it is the aftermath, the figuring out where do we or perhaps where do I go, alone, from here? It is aloneness that can be terrifying and yet, this can become our strength because the door of possibilities stands open as an invitation to something new and different inside of us.

Asking is risky business 

Do you dare ask the questions?

I don't know what questions you need answered dear reader. You know though, don't you? Only ask the question if you are willing to accept that the answer may change everything, forever. I must add this: Fear has the last say if you never ask and it will be an ever present companion, commandeering your life in untold ways. Ask, and yea shall receive. You are strong enough to know the answers and, live in The Truth. 

Obsoletely!

I was having a texting conversation with a young friend and his response to my message was Obsoletely. I laughed when I read this because it appeared as somewhat of a Freudian slip which is defined as: an unintentional error regarded as revealing subconscious feelings. What he meant to write was absolutely and what appeared was something quite different. It is kind of like shaking your head no when yes is coming out of your mouth. Try this, it is hard to do at first and yet this is exactly what happens when what we want and what we do are two different things. Incongruent. I like Freudian slips because they are honest and can be laughable, if we don't take ourselves and others too seriously that is. Obsoletely is an interesting and awkward word, isn't it? What if we used it in sentences? I obsoletely agree. What you just said is obsoletely true. That is obsoletely ridiculous! Can you see how much fun becoming obsolete can be? Whether on purpose or a Freudian slip, the truth springs or leaks out of us one way or another. You know I am all about the learning Dear Reader, yours and mine. Learning is about newness, expansion, growth of the heart mind and soulful spirit. If you are not learning, than you are a stagnant pool of swampy water and it may very well be that it is  your stinking thinking (thank you Zig Ziglar for this phrase) that has become absolutely obsolete. Feeling bored, uninspired, hum drum and vacant? What is tired about your life? What needs an up-do, redo, or complete renovation? Things and thoughts become obsolete and useless when they no longer serve a purpose or worse yet, cause stagnation. What did you learn or get from reading this? Nothing, you say? Than why pray tell, are you reading this sentence? How motivated are you to rid yourself of the obsolete, the tired ways of doing and thinking? It is and always has been, absolutely up to you to choose. 

Pennies to Riches

I have been thinking about spectrums lately, as they relate to human interactions. Autistic spectrum disorder is defined as: "a developmental disorder characterized by difficulties in social interaction and communication and by restricted or repetitive patterns of thought and behaviour." The inability to relate to others is an extreme circumstance and for the autistic person, there are organic and physical explanations for the condition. Lately my reading is about psychopathy and it is defined as: "a mental disorder in which an individual manifests amoral and antisocial behaviour, lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, extreme egocentricity, failure to learn from experience, etc." There is evidence that psychopathy too, has organic components. Speaking plainly here, both conditions are marked with an inability to emotionally relate or have compassion for another. To be amoral is not to be immoral and this is what I am working through as I write. I am going to compare emotions to a bank account. Lets start out with every kind of currency available to us, from pennies to $100 000 bills. Emotions as currency would look something like this: blame, jealousy, envy, revenge, hatred=pennies; loneliness, worthlessness, betrayal, abandonment, rejection, humiliation=nickels; fear, anger, hopelessness, despair=dimes. These emotions feel like bankruptcy, petty cash for the soul. I have felt these feelings as I am sure you have too, Dear Reader? The question is whether or not we want to stay in the nickel and diming of these sentiments or perhaps, move our way upward toward the big money. Are you ready for a bigger deposit into your emotional bank account? Lets use the currency of bills in our metaphor. Self pity=a dollar bill; frustration, worry, guilt, pessimism=five dollars; anger, resentment, boredom, frustration=ten dollars. These are the currency of pain expressed. Invaluable really because when not felt and expressed, they can drop you down into piggybank change, the emotional bankruptcy currency of despair and hopelessness. You aren't bankrupt, are you Dear Reader? You have range, a spectrum of emotions and their expression available to you! Did I hear you say you want more? Ok lets go for the big bucks, the emotional riches that can be yours, shall we? What do you believe about hope, love, peace, acceptance, living a life of purpose in joyful relationship with others? What dollar value do we place on these sentiments Dear One? How full is your emotional account, right now as you read? Clearly, you are reading this for a reason. I started this piece of writing with extremes, with those who are incapable of emotional connectivity. The question at this point is how emotionally available are you, to yourself and others? The $100 000 bill emotion is Love and if you can feel this, Dear Reader, you are rich beyond accounting. I heard a great definition for emotions: it is energy that moves through us. No one emotion is wrong or right, amoral or immoral, they are expressions of what is going on inside of us. We get to choose the predominate emotions, the ones that can take us from bankruptcy into riches. Feel them all, and than choose Love anyway. 

Deference

Deference

Deference is defined as: polite submission and respect. It makes me think of a bow or curtesy to another followed by a bent forward position while backing away. The image of a subject before royalty comes to mind with a subservient sentiment. The subject feels less than and unworthy in comparison to the person they bow before. There is something about the definition of deference that rubs me the wrong away, like I want to go into the word and its associated sentiment and do an erase. Deferring can show up in intimate relationships and when it does, a power imbalance may result. Here is what I'm thinking and what has me contemplating this idea of deferring to another. I will start with a question: Have you ever been awed by someone, engaged in a little hero worship, and perhaps given that person more consideration in decision making than was equitable, only to discover that your deference to their opinions and will was an error in judgment on your part? Plainly speaking, you gave them too much decision making power in your life and this negatively impacted you? I have, thus the piece of writing before you. How do you know when you are deferring to another? It is when insecurity is heightened in that persons company; it is when speaking to that person requires careful thought and consideration with many a polite detour in getting to a point; it is when we see or hear the persons name and dread the thought of an encounter. It is when we prefer not to tell them too much for fear of their reaction or judgmental opinion. It is when we feel strangely powerless to make decisions, and weakness in their presence. How about this-your lip begins to curl at the thought of their voice and facial expressions. Lastly, you just don’t want to deal with them and their attitude-this is the bottom line. Insecurity, inadequacy and low self esteem are the ugly companions of continued deference because to not speak up feels like giving in, at the expense of what we believe, value and want. Check yourself for these signs and symptoms. Does the above description match your experience? What price have you paid for submitting to someone else’s will? Equality in relationship is healthy wholesome and safe for both parties. What do you need to feel a mutual healthy respect in relation to those closest to you? You are free, captive to no one. This is your right, to be free, even when you disagree. No man, woman or child is the boss of you.