Coaching is an offshoot from psychotherapy and social work. Coaching is a here and now approach that the trained professional takes with the client that wants to be somewhere they have yet to visit; here are some examples of attainable goals:
1. Liking yourself while understanding your own inner workings, by being aware of intentions and behaviours
2. Getting along in wholesome and rewarding ways with others while creating intimacy that nurtures trust
3. Breaking free from patterns taught, and imposed by your family of origin, that are harmful and do not serve you or others
4. Being truthful with yourself and others; living a life of integrity
5. Actuating ... living as the person God designed you to be
When deep down issues and desires are brought to the surface, a client begins the process of change. From there, success takes shape, meaning families, communities, businesses, and relationships flourish, with understanding and communicating becoming easier and more honest. A sense of peace and calm can be felt as a reward for effort invested.
College vs University
Coach training is a lot like attending college as opposed to going to university; the former is hands on experiential, while the latter is some kind of surreal experience, heady in the learning. I am very grateful to have had my mind trained in university to think, and my soul raised up in coaching, to feel. God provides the education we need to be civil servants, and in one room, my office, I house my Bachelor of Arts degree, and my coaching certificates - I am a Certified Professional Co-active Coach (CPCC), and I completed an intensive, life altering for the better, leadership program through CTI, The Coaches Training Institute. This said, my learning must continue, because regardless of what the pieces of paper indicate regarding my progression through established programs, I must be refined in the fire of wisdom. God has taught me that The Bible is my very best life manual, and the Holy Ghost is my most favourable and trusted instructor.
Recently, I delighted to learn the stages of change, enumerated as follows:
1 Pre-contemplation, 2 Contemplation, 3 Preparation, 4 Action, 5 Maintenance, 6 Relapse (or lapse).
I am going for the jugular, dear reader, when I use examples of what it looks like for a client to live some of the stages of change. What I have seen and heard as the most heinous of life circumstances, that have either been ignored and tolerated, or worked through diligently for the sake of personal freedom, is quite shocking. I will not be sharing details, and I do hope to 1. help you see that their is light at the end of the tunnel you may be travelling if by chance, you see yourself in the examples I use, and 2. you are willing to do the work to change your situation. There is, and always will be, an out: God provides us a way. Let's go in now to the examples that I touch upon in the various stages of change.
Pre-contemplation
In pre-contemplation, a person is unaware that there is an elephant of a problem that is not being addressed in their life. When I see a client for the first time, we discuss what is most prevalent in their life, where their thoughts go most often, and how it impacts daily activities and moods. This is when they may not want to admit, that their partner is cruel, cheating on them, or leading their children astray. Perhaps the spouse is sexually abusing a child, is into pornography, or exposing their offspring to vulgar and debasing television programs. I am being mild here, dear reader, because there are some things that are better left unsaid; suffice it to say, I have seen and heard much that has demeaned sweet human souls, and facing the facts is a very painful process, thus there is some resistance to acknowledging what horrifies our sensibilities.
I have heard people speak about what they are being exposed to, almost as though it is not happening to them. There is a disconnection in feelings, an almost robotic acceptance of what is horrible and untenable, and yet, they sit in the coaching seat, which is a very good sign that the client understands, they have some things they need to work out with professional guidance.
Contemplation
In contemplation, a person looks in the direction of the elephant, that problem that they do not want to address. A person may know something is amiss but they are unprepared to do the heavy lifting of stating the issues they face, and then equipping themselves to affect the changes that need to occur to lift them up, and out of their current circumstances; change may seem impossible. Change is a threat to well-being at this point, and thinking about something and taking action, don't always coincide. There is a hint, an inkling, that goes along with the contemplating ... that maybe someday, things will be different. The how to part is yet to be considered, and is pushed off as a possibility, thought of and then quickly dismissed. The problem lurks in the shadows waiting to be looked at and addressed. The unspoken question for the abusive relationship hinted at above may be, Do I leave this person that disrupts my life and causes me undo suffering? The answer may be a whispered No ... or Not yet ... or Maybe, someday?
Preparation
In preparation, a person knows that they must affect change. The first step is to say out loud to listening ears, that the elephant of a problem is occupying every inch of space in their thoughts, in their heart, in the essence of their soul. I had a client whose children were in peril: a predator lived amongst them, and while the mother acknowledged safety was compromised, she could not bring herself to believe that her husband would harm his own children. She excused and danced around the elephant and eventually disappeared from the coaching chair, knowing what she ought to have done but deciding to remain is sick status quo. Facing the drastic changes required to secure the well-being of her children and heal her mental and soulful anguish, sent her running to denial, where all manner of unconscious and detrimental behaviours are given full vent.
A person may visit the stage of preparation and planning, but never really live it out. Is this you? Are you prepared to continue as you are, or will you do the work to get to where you want to be? Some people stay in contemplation all their lives, only to regret the choice further on down the road, when their options are narrow and limited.
Action
In action, a person lives the plan they have established during the preparation stage. This is where confidence lives and breathes. Taking action is life affirming and soul equipping. The client sees the elephant of a problem, works out what must be done to move it out of their life, and they recruit help to affect change via friends, family, and professionals employed to handle details. A person may need to make a request, make a statement, take a stand, start saying no, set boundaries; draw a line of demarcation between them and that elephant.
Let us face the facts here, dear reader: We've all faced behemoths that threaten to stampede and trample who we are and what we want to accomplish. If your goal is make a difference for the good in this world, does it not behoove you to work through your own character flaws, misguided thoughts and behaviours, and take action to become a respectable person of integrity? I suggest you take action to affect change for the better. You can, and you must, do this, for yourself and for others in your circle of influence.
Maintenance
In maintenance, there is resolve to keep the newly established and healthy thoughts and behaviours in place. Consider here possible changes made to lifestyle, via who you associate with, followed by your thinking, praying, exercise, eating, sleeping, and drinking habits. The questions are:
What do you want your life to look like, followed by;
What do you need to do to maintain that desirable way of being?
Much thought and awareness must go into the maintenance phase, because there is always the chance of a relapse, or lapse. You and I know how easy it is to fall back into well worn thought and behaviour patterns. Change is possible, but it will require intensive attention and effort, at least, in the beginning, until habit settles you into auto-pilot mode.
Relapse (or lapse)
In relapse, or lapse, a person has returned to what they decided they no longer want to do. Here are some relapse examples: eating a bag of potato chips on a Friday night; drinking until drunk and hung over; calling that ex boyfriend/girlfriend that cheated; making plans with someone that you know, talks behind your back; believing your former abusive spouse/partner has changed, because they say the words, I have changed - minus any proof of change. Oh dear, dear reader, here you are again. What to do, what to do?
Acknowledge the relapse or lapse and take a good look at the outcome for having backslidden. What impact did that return to thoughts and behaviours, have on your well-being? How did it compromise your integrity and sabotage your long term goals, of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being?
You have been here before, and got yourself out of this mess. You can do it again, I assure you. A relapse or lapse is common, but it does not have to be damning or entirely defeating. A relapse can be seen as a stop in forward movement on a learning curve, a place to really consider and reinforce, who you want to be and how you want to be perceived. We live in relationship with others, and while we all make errors in judgment, we are also responsible for course correction, to improve how we relate.
Evade an elephant
You don't have to stay broken or wounded. You don't have to expect little or hope for nothing ... you can decide who and what and where and how and why, for all the overly large and conversely, incredibly tiny difficulties, that rear their massive or minuscule heads in your life. Squish a spider, evade an elephant, do something to live according to God's will and way for you, and you will have the gift of joyful living eventually, and a sense of accomplishment too, for tackling the tough stuff, and making good on the life you have been given.
I am a Christian, and a coach. Change is possible, I have lived it and thrived too. I am here to help you if you have decided that something needs to change, and you desire the environment and encouragement, to get to where you want to be, and not only visit, but stay there.
Give me a call. We can work out a time for a soulful coaching session, to affect change, for your betterment.
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