God, Mr. No Fun

Commandments? I'm going to take a pass

I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me. Now wait a minute God, I don't ever recall being in Egypt and you know, I was born in a free country. In this country, we get to choose who our God is so for me, this commandment just doesn't apply. I am going to take a pass on this one if you don't mind?    

I like reading my horrorscope, it is always so accurate!

You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of their fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments. Ummm, God? Didn't you create nature? That is what I heard. I really love the moon and the stars and I have learned that my fortune and future can be foretold by the wise Zodiac reader people. I mean seriously, have you read your horrorscope yet today? Mine is always so accurate. And what is this stuff about jealousy? Isn't jealousy a no-no? I had a jealous boyfriend once and he wanted me all to himself... is this what you mean? Anyways, there are so many people and things to love about this life, I am thinking you need to relax your grip a little on this one. Maybe just trust us humans, we have evolved quite a bit since the caveman days you know! You also speak about sins of the fathers... my dad had a bit of a temper and was sometimes impatient. I feel this works though, because people knew where he stood and when I have to use them, these super power abilities work for me too! And what is this nonsense about hate and love? I thought you loved everyone, just the way they are? You HAVE heard of UNCONDITIONAL love, right? What kind of God are you anyway? This commandment is a bit, well, touch and go for me... I think I am going to take a pass and just go with what my heart tells me to do, go with my intuition and gut feelings. I am thinking you may be on the mean side... I like a lighter touch!

    
Guilt is harsh, chill out

It's just an expression yo

You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name. God, I have to call you out on this one. Don't you know the rhyme we teach our children? Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me! Things are more casual now. We all call each other names: we are cool like that. Sometimes, we use your name as a form of expression, you know, for emphasis; to be emphatic! Sure it sounds and feels a little awkward when I hear your name used often and off colour but no one means anything by it. Names are just words! Perhaps you can take this less seriously, like the rest of us? Guilt is harsh! I am chill about this one and think you should be too.

The malls are open on Sundays for a reason God

Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labour and do all of your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor you manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, or the aliens within  your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. God, I knew it, I just knew there were aliens and here it is, proof right in your commandment. Okay, now that I got that out, let's get serious, shall we? You want me to take a day off? Do you realize how much money I can make working seven days a week, twenty four hours a day? I mean seriously? I have a whole lot of things I need to pay for. We have an expression here in the real world, I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go. This is a brand new world out here in Modernia. You may have made the universe in six days but I have a twenty-five year mortgage, a monthly lease payment on my car, a vacation I have to put a downpayment on and my kid, he has his eyes on some new Nike high tops. This commandment does NOT compute. Besides, if I take a day off and everyone else does too, what the heck would we do with ourselves? Think about that God-we would be so bored... I shake my head to this one. I am not taking a day off any time soon.    

This one well...

Honour your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. This one is a big ask God. I am not sure if you realize this, but my childhood wasn't exactly perfect. I mean, sure, I had a house to live in and food in my stomach and my own room and all but, my parents and I don't always see eye to eye. Plus, they are getting older and you know how busy I am. I am thinking an old age home may be just the right place soon enough. Then I won't have to drive them to and from the doctors office constantly and besides, I am not a nurse for goodness sakes. I have my own life to live, they already had theirs. I am nice to them, they should be grateful I visit once a week. I do believe I got this commandment down. We more or less agree on this one; that must be a relief for you, huh?    

We can completely agree on something, finally

You shall not murder. Phew, I agree with you God. Murder is horrid. Sometimes I joke that I could strangle someone, but that isn't at all the same as actually doing it. I mean a thought is just a thought, right? There are a few people though, that... anyways, I would never kill anyone! That's two for us now that we agree on. I shall not murder.

Sometimes falling out of love happens God, who are you to judge?

You shall not commit adultery. Now this is tricky. I do agree with you in theory I suppose, but you know very well that there are always extenuating circumstances. I mean people change, don't they? Sometimes people just grow apart. Talking to a member of the opposite sex while married just happens, especially when my spouse, I mean a spouse, just plain old doesn't get me, err, get the person they are married to... Surely you understand that nothing lasts forever? Sometimes second marriages make more sense and affairs happen because no one wants to be unhappy. Aren't we all here to enjoy life? I'm on the fence with this one God... I am pretty sure you are sometimes too.

We clearly agree on the big things!

You shall not steal. Ok, we are totally in agreement on the whole stealing thing. I have never taken anything that was not mine. I pay for everything I own! Now the government, they are another story. They are thieves I tell you! My accountant and I agree on this and he finds every possible way for me to pay as little on taxes as possible. You can't trust the government and I would be a fool to! You and I are getting along now, aren't we? We clearly agree on the big things.    

My neighbours are a pain in the butt

You shall not give false testimony against your neighbour. My neighbour... you mean that SOB next door to the right or the idiot that lives across the street? Have you met these people? I don't say anything about them that isn't true. I found out last fall what they were saying about me and you know what, I just don't talk to them anymore; it's as simple as that! If they would keep their traps shut we would all get along. I agree on this commandment too... those people shouldn't have given false testimonies about me. This is a good one. I commend you for this choice and suggestion.

Competition is the name of the game baby!

You shall not covet your neighbour's house. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour. Oh God, this one is super tough. I know The Bible is all ancient so let's go with some modern view points on this one, shall we? How am I suppose to get ahead if I don't compete? How am I supposed to milk this life for all it's worth if I don't do a little comparing, you know, so that I will up my game and come out on top? My neighbour down the street has a really amazing house... three car garage with some high end cars. I guess in the dusty road days, this would be equivalent to a huge barn full of animals. His cars are way faster than four legged furries and I have to confess, I have some car envy. This neighbour also has a lucrative business with many top producing employees... I was thinking of approaching a couple of them, to see if I could persuade them to work for me. Oh and get this, his partner is an upgrade! Mine is looking and sounding like an old broken record-who wouldn't want to trade in and up? I am thinking we have a semantics problem here. When you said you shall not covet, I think you meant you shouldn't compare and compete with your neighbour? I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here because you may have been confused a little, being ancient and all. Competition is the name of the game baby. It is how we roll! The world would stop spinning if we stopped trying to outdo one another. Survival of the fitness is for real! Covet, compete, name it what you will but you and I are not going to agree on this one.

I'm glad we had this chat, I feel so much better now

You know what God? I am really glad we had this discussion. I believe you are fair and that compromise is a part of who you are and this is great for me, because I love to go with the flow and change with the times. Adapt or die is my motto! I thought at first that you were Mr. No Fun but I realize after spending this time with you that you are really cool. I mean, lightning hasn't struck me dead yet, even though I don't agree with you on some points. Besides, you gave me freedom of will and I get to choose what is right for me, right? 

I'll catch you on the flip side, thanks for hanging out. Later gator...