Emotional Retardation

Retardation: the action of delaying or slowing the progress or development of something. In a sentence: the goals of treatment include retardation of disease progression.

Perhaps when you saw the word retardation, you cringed, dear reader? This now socially inappropriate taboo word has such stigma attached to it that anyone using it is deemed hateful and cruel, isn't that so? I plan on using the word retardation in reference to emotional development as hinted at with the title of this piece of writing, so you might want to mosey in the opposition direction if your moral nose is already out of joint. 

If something is delayed, or slowed in its progress or development, the something is being compared to another something of a similar sort, that is moving at an average, speedy, or accelerated pace. You and I both know that there are milestones and markers we look for in our own learning, our own moving forward, if and when we are attempting to master a skill set. For instance, my son is learning Greek ... and he knows he simply cannot learn Greek, until of course, he learns Greek. If he were to visit Greece and attempt to speak the language, the people he might encounter may consider him retarded ... think now with me. Have you ever thought a foreigner simple minded because they cannot speak with proficiency in your language? 

When I visited Italy in my growing up years, I believed I could be considered intelligent with the correct facial expressions and eye contact. I wanted to convey a bright mind to anyone looking my way, but I did this silently. I could not express myself well in Italian, so I simply decided on not trying. Small talk was happily avoided, and I got to be present without anyone really knowing my inner workings. Being enigmatic and mysterious was appealing to me as an alternative to being perceived as an idiot by the natives when I fumbled over language rules I didn't understand ... but they didn't buy it ... they asked often why I didn't speak their language, and sweetly, they regularly attempted to communicate with me in what little English they knew. I was, upon reflection, slowed in my processes, my development, to becoming bilingual, and this was a form of emotional retardation, because I didn't have anyone teaching me, being patient and kind to me, encouraging me to learn and trust that one day, I would get the rhythm of speech that sounded lyrical to my ears without me understanding any of the rapid fire sentences ... I only understood things in context, ie wine, vino, when offered, would make sense when a bottle was lifted and leaned in my direction. 

How can I call this emotional retardation, you ask? In further explanation, I tell you I was not attended to in my early attempts to learn ~ I use learning languages as one example. Instead of feeling potential in language mastery, I felt embarrassment and shame when I made mistakes. It is only in adulthood that I understand relational dynamics and the why parts of how this transpired. When I look back, I see that the impatience of parents, and my mother in particular, left a mark on me. At fifty-six, I am far better equipped to comprehend where and when I got stuck in thinking quick sand. 

In quick sand, movement causes sinking. Without someone to help you out, or more specifically, me out when I was an impressionable child and young adult, there is that stuck feeling that can cause apathy. Apathy is antithetical to learning, progressing, developing, exploring, advancing, achieving, mastering, accomplishing, becoming ... all the ing words! A person can believe they are inept, and incapably incompetent, when it is suggested to them during their learning, that they are doing everything wrongly, or not as well as the teacher. Did my mom mean to retard me in my learning? I don't think so ... I think, in fact I know, she believes she does things correctly, and when she sees someone doing the same things differently, she feels compelled to impose her way, to make things "easier" for them. This is idiosyncratic thinking, and guess what, dear reader, we all have our very own version of idiosyncratic thoughts, behaviours, approaches, and lastly, defence mechanisms. 

Defence mechanisms are brilliant coping strategies that can be utilized to get us through a rough patch but, but! dear one, they are a form of emotional retardation, a wedge like block that inserts itself between you and another, when you or the other, refuse to deal with the feelings and thoughts that rise to the surface during emotionally charged events, or differences in approaches. 

What are my idiosyncratic ways, you ask ... well ... let me ask you what yours are first! 

Fine, since I am the one bringing up the subject, I will go first.

Resistance. This is my biggest, most obvious, most becoming and at the same time, most unappealing idiosyncratic trait. I am persistently resistant to impositions from others and I bristle immediately when I sense rightly (or wrongly sometimes) that someone wants something from me that I did not offer, nor do I want to give. I realize that when my mother or father imposed on me without explanation, it gave me the feeling that I had no latitude, that I was somehow bad if I disagreed, and that I had no power to change my circumstances because I was subject to their power. I grew to dislike this greatly, thus the resistance to their will, their way. There was a power imbalance with them having force, and dear reader, is this not exactly what is happening in the world?

There are the subjected, and then there are the powerful. It is the vulnerable imposed upon by the authoritative. Parents, when they don't attend to their children's emotional needs and learning, retard them. The children may never grow into sound humans, or, if they are willing, they will do the work of figuring this stuff out, finding a way out of the apathy quick sand to solid psychological, emotional, physical, and more foundation-ally important, spiritual ground. Parents fail their children often: I know this to be true because I am a mom and a daughter. To blame isn't helpful: to understanding and move forward is life altering. 

To be more pointed, we see leaders in authoritive positions acting like entitled, imposing, bullish children wanting their own way (emotionally retarded), at the expense of insecure, low self-esteemed, subservient (emotionally retarded) child like adults that do their bidding. What, pray tell, is missing? What went terribly wrong, and what are you willing to do about it? 

Dear reader, you are retarded, I am too, but there is a remedy, a medical book that heals the mind, puts salve on the soul, grows us up into responsible relational adults and good citizens of this world, when we are willing to be vulnerable again, be taught again by a kind, patient, loving, all knowing Teacher and Master, and Father. He sees each of us and where we are stuck and He offers His hand, not His strong arm, to pull us up and out, placing us on unshakable solid ground. 

What is missing, what went terribly wrong, is parents stopped looking to God for guidance, stopped obeying His commands. And here we mutually are, surrounded by digression and degradation of little humans, and the grey hairs too. The world, quite simply put, is sinfully, soulfully, suffering from emotional and spiritual retardation, and only Jesus Christ can save us from each other and ourselves.

I asked you above, what are you willing to do about it? 

I can only speak for myself, and I cannot do the work for anyone else, but I am willing to look at me, and ask God to help with my idiosyncratic stupidities and teach me the language of His love laws. The Bible is my medical manual, and it can be yours to, if you are willing to heal old, and new wounds, with God's wisdom. 

While I cannot make you love Jesus, and in fact, neither can He force your allegiance to Him, I can suggest you go to God, read His Word, and learn to love like a child that trusts his heavenly Father once again.

WE don't have to be diminished and destroyed emotionally or any other way. WE can be like Jesus, our perfect model of human and Godly excellence. 

As always, this is a choice. 

Here is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit (Romans 8:1)