Emotional Blackmail

This never happened to me, but I heard about it growing up. It was the old "If you love me... then ___________."

Boys would use this manipulative ploy to get girls to do what they naturally felt like doing, but knew wasn't a good idea. Boys and girls making out used to be a thing, and the girls set limits on "how far" they would "go". There was a progressive nature to the interactions, but a boy using the line "If you love me then", when he wanted something more than the girl was comfortable giving, was an obvious attempt at playing on her emotions. After all, it was her private body he wanted to invade, and that ought to be by permission only: when the love word enters into a relationship, the dynamics start to change... to satisfy our own urges at someone else's expense, effectively uses them, and this is unsettling to say the least, especially when the someone is very young. 

Good parents, and good friends, would warn girls if they confessed feeling pressured into having sex with their boyfriend. The fear of losing the boy would give the girl pause, to consider his insistent plea: smart girls with self esteem, resented being put in this position, and summarily, would tell the fella to shove off. 

Where oh where, do you suppose I am going with this line of thinking? Hmmm, let's see:

• You can't see me in person 
• You can't be with me without a thingy over your mouth, nose, maybe even your eyeballs, depending on whether or not they look glassy, unhealthy, or suspiciously clear, because one just doesn't know what one might encounter
• We cannot be in the same room unless there is six feet between us
• You must sanitize your entire body, house, car, family members, cat, dog, ferret, to be near me
• You have to get sharp objects filled with poison inserted into your arm, once, twice, three times, to be a lady, a gentlemen, a decent human being for goodness sakes! 
• If you love me... then you will concede, submit, be subdued, give in to the pressure, roll your sleeve up and let me have my way with you

Yup, I think that about summarizes what we the resistance have experienced. Saying yes when we want to say no may not technically be rape, but it is a violation, and an imposition of will of one on another. The implication is, that other feels superior, worthy of demanding what is not on offer: in old fashioned language, that is called rude, aggressive, abrasive, insensitive, crude... and just plain old ugly and despicable emotional manipulation.

Love, according to the word of God, is this: 

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Love never fails... (1 Corinthians 13:8)

When relationship is based on imposition or performance, it erodes and eventually destroys trust. What we are now witnessing, is the fall of those that made us, ipso facto, their enemies, without cause. 

We wanted to remain in relationship, but somehow what was good enough and even fantastic before, just didn't rate anymore, and by virtue of saying no, I will not go all the way with you, to the self serving boyfriend, we got hot potato dropped. It is fascinating to be able to assess what has happened without feeling the pain anymore. I have a clinical approach to the recent past, and a phantom limb like remembrance of those that not long ago, could not suffer me, or us, dear reader.

In the book of Luke, chapter 11, Jesus is criticized by a Pharisee for not washing prior to seating himself at the meal he was invited to. Jesus, let us make no mistake, knew exactly what He was doing, and knew too, how what He didn't do, would be perceived:

And as he spoke, a certain Pharisee asked him to dine with him. So he went in and sat down to eat. When the Pharisee saw it, he marvelled that he had not first washed before dinner.

Then the Lord said to him, Now you Pharisees make the outside of the cup and dish clean, but your inward part is full of greed and wickedness. Foolish ones! Did not he who made the outside make the inside also? But rather give alms of such things as you have; then indeed all things are clean to you.

But woe to you Pharisees! For you tithe mint and rue and all manner of herbs, and pass by justice and the love of God. These you ought to have done, without leaving the others undone. 

Woe to you Pharisees! For you love the best seats in the synagogues and greetings in the marketplaces. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like graves which are not seen, and the men who walk over them are not aware of them (Luke 11:37- 43)

I never thought I would see the day when my neighbours and friends, and even relatives I had considered close life time companions, would think it a good thing to fine dine, without me being able to join them. I never thought it would be okay with them, to fly high, even when others of us could not, because we did not "wash" the outside of us. Justice, giving alms to the poor, became passé apparently. They were more than happy to say yes to self, taking the best of seats, and greeting one another with a confident private club of superiority nod, in the marketplaces. 

The last verse quoted above, dear reader, grabbed me by the gut:

Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like graves which are not seen, and the men who walk over them are not aware of them (Luke 11:43)

Those that imposed what ought not to have been imposed, supposed that we did not love them: if we did, love them that is, we would have done what they did, just because they asked. This used to be called emotionally blackmail.

All the clean on the outside, dirty on the inside folk that willingly pushed people that loved them away, became hidden open graves, for all that did their bidding, for fear of being shunned. 

Sigh, only God can help them now.