Grief and Healing Cycle

The longing after the loss

We have been going through stages since March 2019, and I will liken them to the grief and healing cycle for relationship breakup. I simplify the model here, adapting it somewhat, to our current crisis encrusted circumstances. The stages, come from a therapeutic book written by Dr. Bruce Fisher & Dr. Robert Alberti, entitled Rebuilding, 3rd edition. In this book, what I refer to as stages, they call building blocks

When I look at this model, I see three distinct phases, Trauma or Shock, Acceptance & Newness, and Moving Forward

Trauma/Shock

1. Denial-in denial, shell shocked comes to mind, where we cannot believe this is happening

2. Fear-we become afraid, of the reality we are facing

3. Adaptation-this is an attempt to use coping behaviours that have worked in the past

4. Loneliness-that feeling you get when you know what you had with someone is no more

5. Friendship-looking for our others, sometimes to replace the friends we lost

6. Guilt/Rejection-recognizing we played a role in relationship deterioration

7. Grief-the anguish we feel when we realize, we are living the never agains

8. Anger-we simply can't handle the fact that we can't handle what is happening, or change it

Acceptance & Newness

9. Letting Go-accepting that this is it, this is the way things are, as we loosen our grip on what was

10. Self-Worth-reinventing ourselves based on our new circumstances

11. Transition-leaving behind what was, and moving into a new understanding of who we are

12. Openness-a willingness to be open to change, to new relationships and experiences, without fear

Moving Forward

13. Love-learning how to love again, with a healthier view of self and others

14. Trust-giving ourselves permission to believe, that we can trust ourselves, and others, intimately

15. Relatedness-discovering how to relate with new people, in new ways, minus old bad habits

16. Singleness-you are all alone, and you like yourself; new relationships are a wonderful bonus

17. Purpose-seeing that you were created with a purpose in mind, and living into this

18. Freedom-the emotional, psychological, spiritual, physcial freedom to be YOU!

NOTE: I left out one stage, or as the authors call it, a building block. To discover which block I speak of, you will have to read the book yourself, which I highly recommend. If I were to substitute a block in replacement for the one I omit, I would label it:

Hope-hope that God will heal our broken hearts and prepare us for extraordinary relationships in new and exciting, healthy, wholesome, and godly circumstances

On a personal note

This information was helpful for me after the dissolution of my marriage. There were three life occurrences that were devastatingly traumatic: my fathers death, my son being unwell, and the ending of my marriage, in this order, meaning: the excruciating heartache while intense, was sharpest in the order of loss of father, son being unwell, husband becoming former ... I still have my son and he is of strong mind and body, praise God, but the other two men that figured prominently, are gone forever from my life, at least, from an earthly perspective! 

Face what was happening

With each life altering situation, there was no where to hide, no one to turn to, and no way to escape. I had to face what was happening without looking away, because looking away didn't change the circumstances. I had family, I had friends, but you know dear reader, when our souls are in deep anguish, no one can take that pain for us or from us. In fact a couple of times, when I did try to explain or express the anguish, I got blank stares: some people tried to talk me out of the suffering; it was more comfortable for them to move me along, rather than be next to me while I writhed in unbecoming emotions, such as anger, hurt, disappointment, and deep sorrow. 

Comfort

I am reminded of the shortest verse in the Bible, Jesus wept (John 11:35). In the recounting of the death of Lazarus, Jesus is also described as having groaned in His spirit... He knew what He would do, calling Lazarus forth from the tomb he had laid dead in for four days, and yet, He expressed sorrow when He saw others weeping. God is like that, He feels our pain, the anguish in our souls, while knowing that He can and will, relieve us from it when we turn to Him, bringing us to a newness of life. 

Trepidation is tangible 

I could say more on the side of being uplifting, but the situation we find ourselves in is so tenuous that it feels trite, to suggest a simple 1-18 step solution, to grievous difficulties. The whole earth is groaning and its people on it: we are witnessing devastating loss on a global scale, and this wreaks havoc with the minds and hearts of the many that experience loss of health, financial and social security, and loss of loved ones through relationship breakage, ideological and theological separation, and even physical death. The trepidation is tangible, and only God knows what our near future looks like.

Grieving

The grief and healing cycle has a repeat theme, as in, we will go through it many times in our lives and the order isn't linear: there are no rules to follow when we are in pain, except of course, to soldier on, knowing that God has a purpose and a plan for our suffering. We know this, because of the cross of Christ, and the example He set for us, so we can be like Him in the times when others are suffering:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

God wants us to be like Him... able to comfort those who are in any affliction

Days

This piece of writing has taken me an exorbitant amount of time, with writing, deleting, rewriting, waiting. When I consider what my life looks like right now, this makes sense.

I feel like I am writing to an echo

I feel like I am deleting some of my hopes and dreams

I feel like I am attempting to rewrite recent history

I feel like I am waiting for... waiting for... I'm not quite sure what I am waiting for

I guess I am wanting to hear His voice and not my own

I guess I am waiting for Him to enliven my hopes and dreams

I guess I am attempting to write my own future

I guess I am waiting to see what He will do with the mess we are in

Finish something

I have to land somewhere, to finish something. It is important, to have finality. I will end with what I need most, and it is this:

Hope-hope that God will heal our broken hearts and prepare us for extraordinary relationships in new and exciting, healthy, wholesome godly circumstances

I want more of this, for me, for you, for us, for them, for all. And while we are waiting for God to do what only He is capable of doing, we can look to the grief and healing cycle, and give ourselves the go ahead, for working through our losses thus far, trusting that God, forever and always, has a plan and a purpose for our suffering.