Intensity

Intensity matched and love made stronger...yesterday I was invited to fully express my emotions with a close friend. The emotions were anger, fueled by hurt, and my anger is frightening to me. I have a laser sharp tongue and what I speak in blind anger, others recall long afterward. Generally, I control myself, withdraw as a form of protection, preservation for the other~my fear is that I will wound them or, to be more honest, my fear is that they cannot handle my intensity and that they will pout, hold a grudge, be unable to accept at least a part of the responsibility for the fray in our relationship, leaving me holding the reigns, as though I am the one accountable for the breach in trust. Trust is strange, isn't it? I mean isn't relationship predicated, declared in trustworthiness? I think of my wedding vows and the man I hold hands with in public, fight with and love in private and I am grateful for it all. The current challenge for me is to love others even when I'm red hot mad, even when I want to scream at them and perhaps trust them enough with my truth, my intensity. They can see it anyway, I cannot hide...I am what is none as OBVIOUS! I laugh at this reality and it saddens me at the same time because without expression of inner workings, misunderstanding is inevitable. While I hold my tongue, bite back irritation, it builds and bubbles, surfacing acid like and lava pours out, scathing. What I didn't want to happen, injury to other, happens. Blink...what I haven't been taught is conflict with resolution. I mean this sounds rediculous because of course I have had conflict and resolved it. What I mean is I have been taught avoidance by example, until yesterday. My friend is intense too (I laugh as I write this). She has a temper too (thank God). She is sensitive too (sweet understanding). And we fought, then we were silent, then one or the other of us offered peace in quiet words, then we fought some more and as she says, it got messy and we both stayed to clean up the mess. I know she is not holding a grudge, using my words as weapons against me, holding our friendship hostage with hurt feelings. I know she knows my heart, that my intentions are never to hurt another and she loves me more than enough to invite my intensity, the full expression of my dark and ultimately Light feelings. What next? I mean really, what is next? Let's be honest, we all have some work to do and it is in the realm of human relations. What are you willing to fight for? When intensity is present, will you stay and love, for the sake of you and the other across from you? How honest are you willing to be with yourself and those with whom you share your life? Grace is the unmerited favour of God...sometimes we give it and more often than not, we get it, without ever noticing. Today is your day~you get to be obvious and chose to invite someone into the healing process of conflict for the sake of relational resolution. This is dedicated to my Grace sister, thanks for the gloves off fight and hardy hug that followed, I love you more now than ever before.