Cheater

What kind of cheater are you? I watched the movie Wolf on Wall Street, twice recently, and the cheating in every sense of the word was extreme throughout the film. In the morning Light, I found myself wondering if I'm a cheater and the answer with not so dramatic drum roll is yes, of course I am a cheater. I cheat myself out of health when I over eat, under exercise, consume enough alcohol to get a buzz. I cheat others and myself when I spend my time playing a cell phone game, texting or checking email repeatedly. I cheat the world when I hide, pretend that my life is my own and I allow myself segues into nothing and nowhere land, typical time wasting and procrastion techniques. Maybe you were hoping I would say I cheat on my husband? Perhaps you would like some company there, if that is your brand of cheating? I can't accommodate you on that one, I have my own cheating to deal with here. All cheating is a form of lying, a form of rationalizing and justifying. When I cheat, I harm me, others (by not doing what would serve far better than what I do when I waste precious irreplaceable time) and more importantly than this, I cheat God. He has a plan and His diversions include spending time in nature, being grateful, and asking Him, what would you like me to do today God? The answers, that is what keeps us otherwise occupied, we don't want to hear His answers. So...What kind of cheater are you? Today I'm an honest woman, free, clear and available to the Master Map Maker. What about you?

Flood Damage Control

Monday night, torrential rain seeks and finds crevices, cracks, holes, someplace to go with its steady flow. Window wells fill, drains spill and basements turn into indoor swimming pools with personal belongings and furniture afloat, ruined for future use. We are fortunate, we live in houses and have belongings, insurance, a way back to the malls and stores to replace items wanted, not necessarily needed. I have bitterness lodged in my chest wanting to spill acid like out of my throat. Like the rain, I feel the need to rushing river like smash and sweep away the pride that the storm left untouched. My heart burns lava like as I hear stories of neighbours blaming other neighbours after the storm for various and asundry things like dirt in their pools due to landscaping or more flooding in their home because someone else storm sealed their basement after the last diluge...my lip curls over the ingratitude of having been spared in so many countable ways and people chosing blame and loathing toward people who live right next door or just across the street. Reminds me of Noah and the arc, how only a few got to ride the storm in a boat sealed and dry, safety tarred closed to keep water and self indulgent people out and preserve only a few. It is in times of trouble that character makes itself know. If you haven't taken a moment today to be grateful, might I suggest you take the time now? Thank Heaven, Thank God, thank SOMETHING OR SOMEONE for what you have, who you have, this life you live. People matter, things mean very little when life hangs in the balance, when relationship is threatened and tarnished. Check your heart today and if you detect black mold growing there, try gratitude, it can cure whatever ails you. 

Too many words

Proverbs 10:19 When there are many words transgression is unavoidable but he who restrains his lips is wise. I don't know about you but for me, lots of words without action are a vexation to my spirit. More than this, endless listening to blathering irritates the heck out of me and makes me look for the closest lit up exit sign. I will tell on my bad self here, I have been known to extenda talk and I laugh as I hear my husbands voice in my head say "you still talking?". Details, the devil is in the details and when people have run away mouth syndrome I gotta wonder if they ever bore themselves? Harsh? Yes I guess I'm being a little harsh and yet, I'm ok with the clarity around my learning the value of quiet, stillness, of serenity in silence. Years ago, I decided to be silent and my mother spoke for me, saying "she wants to be quiet". Years before that, following a car accident I was mute for a short lived moment in time...it was days before I spoke while the profoundness of life preserved settled in, despite the crumpled metal evidence of a car that had gone over a ledge nose down with five people within it. My sister and first cousin landed on the hood of the car and just beyond the car respectively, both unscathed, while the eerie glow of headlights alerted drivers not far behind us that something was down there, that people needed help. I relish the none speaking, the being present without verbalizing because in silence, hearing improves and with this, listening and understanding what is happening and what is really being said, if anything at all. Have I ever gone on a tangent, a rant, a word rave? You can be sure I have, and it always feels like I have had an out of body experience at the time, especially when I have no recall of what I have said which begs the question, have I offended, hurt, wounded another unwittingly in my tirad?  For the longest time I used to pray that my thoughts would proceed my words and I have come to realize that it is awareness I crave, not a slowing of natural sometimes rapid flow verbalization (tempo is invaluable and range is a human wonder and gift). Say what you mean, mean what you say, let your yes be a yes and no be a no...there are few words necessary when clarity leads the way. All was and is created with Words, I want mine to count as value added: 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. Do your words edify, injure, bore, inspire, activate? Do you speak love, hate, anger joy...see what I mean, I could go on and on and...

Storm

Storm...its night time and the storm outside my bedroom window threats to bust open my house and pull me out. I love the wild wonder of a lightning flashing, earth booming thunder storm and yet, the fear that it churns up and brings to the surface is consuming. Conflicted, I lie wondering and listening for the tell tale signs of tornado with every brilliant room filling with light flash accompanied by the loudest of thunderous percussion roars. The conflict was my pleasure mixed with fear. Storms lull me to sleep and when somewhat tame, they are a pleasure to witness. Life threatening, property destroying torrents on the other hand have me up praying for protection. Which leads me to this: we have so many choices to make in life, like what to eat, wear, how to spend our time and with whom and at the saddest end of this choice spectrum, we can even choose to end life, ours or another's. A false sense of control over circumstances and life makes us invincible and self contained, self directed and sadly, often self indulgent in our dillusional state. The power, wonder, awe of storm is a great teacher of humility, of being subject to forces far greater and beyond control than the mere whimsical imagination and strength man can conjure. The Equalizer, storm is like the story of Babel, look it up, it's in the Bible. The Storm says you are nothing, you are all subject to My deciding, My choice of keep, go, saved, lost and no one man woman or child is better than another and certainly none measure up to what I AM. I prayed last night, I begged in the storm wanting none to be maimed or lost. While I prayed, I asked God to stop the storm. The boom of thunder following my somewhat arrogant command had me bounce from fear, a reminder that He decided when, where, who, what, why for all things now and eternal. I am a glimmer, a flash, a quiet boom and I am because He first was, Thy will not mine Lord. 

Hostage

"Stockholm Syndrome, or capture bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors". This phenomena has me thinking about survival and the bonding of those who have experienced captivity together and along those lines, the false perception of an eternal connection. Let's say I witness your terror, your utter fear of maiming, mutilation and perhaps torturous death. You too, see me petrified and in dire emotional, psychosocial and perhaps even somatic pain. We are in this together and it is real or at least, the perceived threat seems so real as to make us cling to one another for comfort, encouragement, reassurance that I am here for you, you are here for me. The bond through suffering has been established and the vulnerability of being seen at my worst, your worst, and in our bravest most courageous moments, further strengthens the united we stand, divined we fall sentiments. Time, it is the truth teller in this story. Connection is not a forced or conveniently constructed from circumstance union. Union, connection, these are gifts of the spirit, born from affinity and there is always the instant knowing. Shy away and chances are you haven't an affinity with another, draw near and something is pulling you there. Magnetic, love is a form of affinity and the pull is irresistible. The captors? They are the set up guys, the master manipulators and cannot weild power without the consent of the hostage. Clarity comes with distance and time as truth teller reveals all. As always, we are responsible, accountable for our affiliations and choices. Freedom is the power to choose. 

Contingent

Contingent. One definition of this word is: dependant on other conditions or circumstances; conditional. What if love is a contingency, in other words, a condition of being dependant on chance, or something incidental to something else? My heart is feeling heavy as I write, an old wound cracking it open, the threat feels real as I recognize my unearthed belief that love could, would, did, does, appear and disappear white and black magic like, without rhyme or reason. Dependent on moods, my parents gave and withheld love, or so it seemed when I was a child. A formula did not exist for getting and keeping love and thusly was born my very own contingency plans, my self protective mechanisms, first Aid and CPR for the heart in times of trouble and eminent threat. If their love appeared and disappeared, mine could too and there has always been the fear that I am somehow disloyal, wishy washy, uncommitted. I am learning that loving is an offering, not a promise. There is no gaurenteed return on investment humanly speaking and yet, somehow, the abundance of love that flows wave like back to me when I give love has threatened to drown me in joy. Better than this, the love that flows my way graciously, without merit, without doing anything right or wrong, good or bad, magically or not, it is bliss. Humans have to learn love, be taught the how's, not the whys. Sometimes the system is slightly broken, a little cracked and needs mending. Love is worth learning, and the best Teacher is available. The middle of the Bible is found in Psalm 118 verse 8: it is better to take refugee in the Lord than to trust in man. God is love and lovingly teaches, leads, redirects corrects me everyday AND, He loves you too. 

Temptation & Dope(amine)

Oh sweet temptation, you take me down the garden path of sultry savoury promises and beckon me, come, satisfy your longings, your cravings for the deliciousness that awaits you. Close your eyes, open your senses to the velvety, the sensual, the sumptuous. Follow me there, where every fibre of your being will delight. Listen and feel the pulsating with anticipation, await an awakening and satisfying of curiosity. Sounds exciting does it not? The lure to pleasure is ever present and captures the imagination, the attention. Need a fix, a physiopyscho dopamine hit, perhaps a little excitement in the form of giving in to temptation is your answer and, yes, OF COURSE IT IS. Dopamine is like a one hit wonder, giving the sensation of a physical mental reward, a feel good neurotransmitter, a natural high and when it kicks in, the I want more cravings also kick in and rev up the system. Give in to temptation, cravings, longings, and in no time, you are addicted to dope(amine). This one hit wonder natural drug is lawless, self indulgent, relationally expensive, destructive and has no foresight, no need for future or fortune telling, it is wanton and devours. You and I, we know what tempts us, what draws our eye, perks our ears, has us fantasizing. To be tempted is human and when I have given in to temptation, to the dopamine hit that is readily available to reward me for my indulgence, when you have said yes and received the same, the pleasure is always temporary, a short lived flash of quickly extinguished sparkler light~what's left, you ask? A hankering, a lust for more remains as a torment, a go get another fix never ending cycle of want and hit, want and hit. The trap is set, it is the bottomless pit and it cares not for its victims, the ones who fall in, in fact the pit is forever hungry, never sated. Temptation is a part of the human condition, that will never change. Another part of being human is having choice and as I write, the sun is shining in on these words...let your choices be ones that serve, that savour love, relationship, healing, hope, generosity, kindness...joy is the true mark of a soul set free, may you have much joy. 

One and Only

In the beginning, there was the word and He was with God and is God. No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only...ha, I am vastly entertained today. The world, universe, universal oneness is what has me grin wickedly. Man has stolen, manufactured, cheaply copied freely and without conscience from the Bible and passed it on, telling two friends who told two friends and so on, until Gods Word is no longer given credence or credit, like He is some kind of cosmic anachronism. The term One was attributed to Jesus Christ in fact, not only the word One, but One and Only~man/woman has corrupted the concept of One, equating self and other humans as One. Yes, I am philosophizing and if you are still reading, bare with me. Humans separate themselves from God when they equate themselves with Him. In the original fall of man/woman from grace (the grace God has freely given and man could not possibly have created on his "own", yes please, read as sardonic), there was a desire to know what God knows, be God like, not depend on God but be self reliant, creator of our own reality good bad or otherwise. Like a toddler that says me do or I do it, asserting independence at the risk of injury, mankind says I do it my way and look around folks, my way mixed with your way isn't always the best way. The Bible is full of thou shalt nots and whether or not you believe in God, the shalt nots are protective...if we abide. Aren't you glad the law has shalt nots, thou shalt not drink and drive, text and drive, steal, vandalize, cheat on taxes, commit murder, shall I go on? God created us in His image and we took black magic marker and scribbled all over His handiwork, all but blotting Him out. I am not One, I am not the One and Only, those identifiers have always been and they don't refer to me, or you, or mankind as a whole. God is my One and Only...can you too, call Him yours? 

God as Compass

Help I'm drowning in a sea of I don't know what to do. I wrote this to a friend after repeated attempts to schedule a meeting for five, using the technology available to us, as in group texts and emails. I have to laugh because I know beyond knowing that there is nothing in the world quite like seeing someone/many someone's, face to face and navigating scheduling and bigger than this, just plain old navigating. Some creative timetable genius has their pulse on the how to scheduling situation and I'm ok with saying, it ain't me. I'm using scheduling as an intro into something big and its I don't know what to do, ever been there? I think this is a big grotesque lie, because I actually DO know what to do, it's whether or not I follow through that's in question. Give you a for instance, you ask? Ok well let's say I am confused about something someone has said or done, or perhaps, I find myself muddled by my own words or actions. There are several routes I can take to the road of clarity and yet, I find I am inclined to distraction, forms of procrastination taking me off the path to discovery and into the deep jungle of thought vines with slithery boa constrictor waiting to smother me, squeeze the oxygen out of my lungs and prevent fresh air transfer to a heart and brain that could take me outta this mess. Oh yes, when I confidently look here there and yonder for answers I know I'm a lost soul and it is I, the would be problem solver with broken compass that keeps me travelling in circles. How long must I wander before I detangle you ask? Not long at all, because I have the very best resource available and it is available to one and all, that's right, you guessed it, THE BIBLE, ha, look no more truth seeker, soul enlarger, confusion killer, all the answers and more can be found in one book, a best seller for all eternity. I do know what to do, Seek yea first the Kingdom of Heaven and all else will be added to you...today I travel with God as my compass.

Soul Ping Pong

St. Thomas Aquinas saved my mortal soul with his five proofs for the existence of God. The depths of despair engulfing me, Frederick Nietzsche had done a number on my psyche with his hierarchal view of men and atheistic disdain for God. You lead, I follow, to Hell and to Heaven. In university, exposed to great deep thinkers, I became a ping pong ball, swatted to and fro across the netting and periodically smashed on the table for a game point for the opposing teams, alternatively. Most philosophers are atheists and I am grateful for this because I lived on the brink, on the edge of despairing death whilst reading their works, convinced by powerful arguments of the truth they seemed to have laid hold of and exposed. The black night of my soul endured and I lay awake at night and said to God "I'm sorry God, I just can't believe in you"...than it started, the visitations. There had always been that shadowy figure, hovering in the corner of my room, waiting, hungry, ready to attack, choke me in my sleep. With my lack of belief in God established, one night I spoke boldly "if you're so tough, why don't you come and get me?"...foolish invitation to this entity to enter, I lay unprotected, without God. Fast forward ever so slightly, my sister and I sit chatting in our family room, it's January and we are alone. I feel a tap on my right shoulder and I glance, seeing the outline of a figure, I believe I have imagined this and I turn back to continue our conversation...something black flies past me, brushing my head, moving my hair...we both see it and become hysterical, filled with fear. My story isn't unique, you probable have one too, or you have heard similar stories and perhaps scoffed at them? The body is animated by the soul, this is undeniable, all you have to do is look at a very still dead insect, animal or human to know that what used to move no longer does and what is missing is the very thing that enlivened it. Spirit exists and while I am disinclined to have personal exchanges with spirited beings, I am inclined to be clear that they exist and have access, foray into our lives when invited in and this enemy, it/they can wreak havoc in lives. Despairing my very existence, it's purpose, it's why, I came to the crossroads of choice: believe in God, sight unseen and seek and find the Truths that establish Him as Sovereign, or spiral downward, enrobed in the darkest dark of despairing soul. St. Thomas Aquinas gave me hope, a ticket home and I am Heaven bound, my faith firmly in place and I know what I know because God tells me so and nothing on earth or in the skies can separate me from the God that created me. I know who I follow and have for a very long time. No human argument required to convince me, Holy Spirit leads me and joy is my companion. The invitation is open for all, He wants none to be lost, in Christ's name, LGB.

Forces

A peaceful mind is more productive than a restless one, these are the words I just read. Seems obvious enough of a statement and it has me contemplating, after a restless disturbed night of sleep, that there is a war unseen and definitely felt inside of each man, each woman. Competing thoughts attempting domination, some driven toward destruction of the human, some wooing to higher heights, to soaring the Heavenlies. Age old, the forces rage~good verses evil death grips and holds when restlessness abounds and joyful lightness when the peace that surpasses all understanding settles dove like on the soul. C.S. Lewis wrote a brilliant book called The Screwtape Letters and I recall reading it and getting one of my first glimpses of insight into the spiritual conquest that demons engage in for souls. Believe yea or not in the spiritual realm, you cannot deny that at times, you are troubled and at other times, you cannot explain your happiness, your inclination to laughter and even glee. I saw three dead bodies this past week, funeral homes for two of them and one laid out on a side walk in plain view, a pink sheet covering someone who used to be...near by, there were three police cars and three police officers and they were laughing. The contrast of the appalling seen, the shock of seeing a body in clear view with others talking, laughing and joking near by jolted me. I have great sympathy for the officers, the first on seen responders to the physically broken, wounded and dead. They are our keepers of the clean, the ones that don't tell, don't talk about horrors they have witnessed and the imagery and sounds that have been planted in their heads and hearts. Maybe we need to see death more, maybe we need to appreciate what we have more, maybe we need to fight the good fight ourselves and refuse the indulgences of negative self talk, self crisitism, comparison to others and all forms of self abuse? The dark side is in each man, each woman, it is easy to travel the corridors of our own haunted houses and a slow dying awaits each time we agree to stay entombed there. Our greatest God given gift is life, this strange thing that you and I wake up to everyday. What will capture your heart and mind today? I look for peace this day and in the looking, I shall find. 

Gracious Love

Love cannot be stolen or bought, it is forever and always, graciously bestowed. How loveable am I, how loveable are you? On any given day and at any moment of said day, I can be many things and at times innumerable, loveable isn't one of them. I admit it, the truth is, I have said the words and I quote "I'm even irritating myself". The wonder to me is how God can stand us at all, I mean really, the things we say, do, how we treat ourselves and one another, I'm surprised he hasn't snuffed us out by now. If a human was in charge of the power plug and control panel for the universe (and history reveals that this is in our nature)  we would all be goners with hate, greed and selfishness leading the way (don't look too far back in history now, these ways of being are evident, alive and well as I type). Intolerance abounds and yet, and yet, love refuses to give ground to the evil would be concurrer. I have friends that have the gift of mercy, their love for others sees no limits and the humans in their lives are always precious, even when behaviours and words would suggest that love is misplaced. While I aspire to the graciousness of this love, I am a voice for the innocent, those who are not present and cannot speak for themselves. I am advocate, fighter for what is good and true and right and if I were truly brave, I would be like John the Baptist, woman in the wilderness beseeching "Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near". We hurt God when we hurt ourselves and when the innocent, the naive, the vulnerable are wounded, it is grievous to God~what if it was grievous to us? God is patient, kind, merciful, gracious and faithful. I know some people who have His loving heart and they help me keep mine soft and malleable. The many make the whole and I am grateful for gracious love in all its human forms. 

All Inclusive

All inclusive

I just returned from the land of indulgence: the gorge yourself, drink yourself silly, land of the all inclusive, you've paid for this stuff, now your gonna eat and drink it, until you are thanksgiving turkey stuffed, and bursting at the seams with too muchness. That was a mouthful!

Strange bit of hell

All inclusive resorts are a strange bit of hell~they are where I get to see the very worst, and the very best attitudes and behaviours of other human beings, and more poignantly, of the human being writing this mini essay. I get to reflect on me, and discover anew how I honour or conversely, dishonour my own values. 

Temperance

I love the idea of temperance, and have written about it before. The word can be defined as moderation, or restraint, and I have to say, I am one pendulum swing away from the top of either side on the continuum of this notion of temperance, in some areas of my life. 

Lead character role

Self awareness is a wonderful gift, and when I am willing to give this part of me the lead character role in my decisions, I invariably honour myself, others and with gratitude, give thanks for the abundance before me. It is when the other side is given permission to slink in, and whisper let loose, stop being a control freak, have fun right now, that I mud pit slip and slide, to the other side, the one where consciousness, self awareness, restraint, and moderation are non existent.

Block out
I saw statues on vacation, the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil ones. I got the message loud and clear: look away, block out what you hear and shut up. In other words, each of us can say and do whatever our wicked hearts desire, and we are not to have an opinion about what the other person is up to, no matter what: no judgement permitted, it is a live and let live world. It goes something like this:

You look away now, pretend you didn't see that and I'll do the same. We can all sleep walk through life, and wake up the next day in our self induced coma, to do it all again and perhaps this time, conscience will be so muted, so blocked from seeing, hearing, speaking, that today I can go hog hedonistic wild, and not even I will care. Ha, now THATS LIVIN'

All inclusive's feed the very worst parts, of already naturally indulgent, human inclinations. Forgive me Lord, I swore I wouldn't go to hell willingly again (all inclusive resort), and I did!

What I recognize 

Yikes, thank you Lord, for a new day, every day. I mentioned above, that I observed the very best attitudes and behaviours of other human beings, and that of yours truly. What I recognized, and remembered, is that we are all longing for something, and sometimes we look in the wrong places to satisfy our cravings.

The soul wants so much, and love is at the heart of all the cravings, the longings. Sometimes longing is disguised as hunger, for all things carnal. 

Yes yes, see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil: rather, look for, listen for, and speak Truth, first to yourself, then to other

Honour The One

Awake from your slumber and honour The One that made you, and in so doing, you will honour yourself.