Square Pegs

There was a TV show when I was growing up called Square Pegs. It was about adolescents who didn't fit the mold that adults were attempting to shove them into. Well now, ain't it funny that this theme is a never ending recycling of what was and is what was and is what was and is STOP. I'm not a square nor am I peg and this metaphor is simply fantastic because I have been fighting who I really am for far too long and what I see all around me is that everyone is in this fight of their life to hold it down, keep it together, push it away and hide what wants to bust right out of them. Teenagers and two year olds, they have it right I mean really, isn't NO one of the best words in our vocabulary and how about GET OUT OF MY ROOM for clearing around boundary issues? Guilt shame obligation yuck, how about those things (they feel like creepy dark shadowy spider web coated zombies hidden in the basement of the soul creatures)? Who wants to live life driven by these blackened and rotting sentiments? I am a joy filled God loving energetic wave of fun with a cool mix of charism and philosopher packaged nicely in platform shoes and short shorts. Oh so nice to be me. How about you? What wants to bust out of you, come out of hiding? Who do you say you are and how does it feel to say it? If you envision cobwebs and hear crickets in your head when you think of your life, perhaps it's time for something different, for the real you to come out splash like. You get to choose you know, because it's your life, how cool is that? Go be your wild and crazy self or your quiet and thoughtful self, go be who and what you were created for, it feels so good, you won't want to ever go back. 

Quiet...let's not speak, let us ponder. There is a pond I love to visit and as I approached the grassy hill above the pond this morning, I was stunned and stopped in my tracks by the presence of Canadian geese and their adorable well guarded fluffy new to the world offspring. The sight brought me to tears and reminded me of new beginnings, unawareness of danger in youth and the gift of watchful adult eyes over precious and pure innocence for the naive and uninitiated. The babies got to feed, drop down on the grass and rest at will and follow when led to water to slake their thirst. Somewhere between fluffy and fully grown adult, geese discover danger and learn ways to protect themselves and eventually, their young. Hissing is a warning to any one, including other geese, that nothing good will come from an unwelcome approach. Sweet nature, what a brilliant teacher you are. I stood very close to the geese, in fact I stepped aside to allow clearance for a return to the pond for a family of eight. I clearly, am not a threat. The geese reminded me of the natural rhythm of life, the natural instincts we have and that when perceiving is based on the senses, action naturally follows with healthy outcomes. An example, you ask? Sure, and let's be direct here because this is about YOU...you know what you want, you have known for a very long time and you are afraid and a voice inside hisses no, not now, maybe someday and your fear hisses some more, how about nevvvvvvvverrrrrr. Never get fit, never speak the truth, never leave that job, never set boundaries, never say no to being mistreated...never never land...never write that book, deliver that speech, run that workshop, take over the world with love, ok that last part, it was about me. Which brings me back to you and me, let's be about our business, shall we? Time is short between fluffy and fully grown, time is short between fully grown and the grave. One day, my Maker will ask, what did you do with the talents I gave you, did you fritter them away in fear or did you do as I asked? He already knows the answer, the request will be about me accounting for the life I lived and my hope, my prayer, is that He will say "Well done good and faithful servant", sigh, that is my prayer. My prayer includes you, stranger near and far, friend of long ago. We all came from the same place, let's return home together, shall when? Fear, I banish you this day, in the name of Christ. 

If I knew than...

If I knew than what I know now I'd...finish the sentence. Attached to this sentiment is a it's too late feeling and perhaps, I could have had more, done more, said more string of lost forever opportunities. Ahhh, regret, it is a lovely self indulgence, a rude selfish moot point useless never ending spaghetti bowl of twists and turns, don't ya think? At 48, I know I'm not too late for anything, in fact, I'm right on time for something, something big. I'm not sure what the something big is I have to admit and at the same time, I know my life has been part battleground, part playground, part training ground for what is about to be, the something big thing I sense is mine to live out loud and into. The younger me, it wanted to go solo, call the shots, look ahead and make plans, than contingency plans, you know, play it all out in my minds eye before anything ever took place in this cool existence we share. The 48 year old version of me, and I grin as I write this, this me has a purpose, work to do, people to meet and inspire and be inspired by and as I see it, the Master has the blueprint, He is in charge of the go here, go there parts and as I do His bidding, as I follow Spirit, He fills in the blanks, including what message He wants delivered. I get to wait, anticipate, eyes wide open and breathe almost held in the wondering of what's next, what's next God? Do I sound content? I am, I am content, and I have joy, it is the mark of a Christ follower. The Way, The Truth, The Life, I follow Him that goes before me and what I know now, is that I never have to trail blaze alone, He is my forever faithful Guide. 

I AM

I AM, these words were spoken to Moses by God when Moses asked the question, what shall I call you? There is a song I love with the lyrics: I am, holding on to you, I am, holding on to you, in the middle of the storm, I am holding on to you. Sweet Jesus, I thought I was holding on to God in the middle of the storm and I just realized it's the other way around, The Great I AM is holding on to little itty bitty me. Like drift wood tossed about on rough seas, somehow God gently places me back on terra firma, on the shore were I can soak up the sun, dry off and stand again on wobbly sea legs with God girding me up. Cling as I might, this is an illusion, a feeling that by my strength, my leaning into Him, that somehow I have a say in whether I stand, walk, run. Like a baby who cries and a breast or bottle magically appear to satisfy hunger, I have been deluding myself, and I laugh at the egoism of seemingly obvious self determinism. But for the Grace of God go I, this has never been more clear to me. I am reminded of a pretty iridescent winged bug I rescued from my pool a couple of summers ago. He was waterlogged and after I scooped him out of his almost watery grave, I gently placed him pool side and blew on him and witnessed his revival. To my delight, he began his own drying process, wiping himself clear of the droplets that weighed heavily on his wings. He looked like he was proudly preening, as though his near drowning had never been and than when the time was just right, he flew off into the sunset...or something like that, without a glance my way, without a thank you for saving my life, without any awareness that there was anyone to thank. The Great I AM, He has rescued me from so much and I am grateful, not only for the saving, for the awareness that He is holding on and will never let go in His faithfulness to little itty bitty me. He is my strength, my calm in the storm, my reason for being. I am because He first IS...go figure that one out!

Good Enough for Me

Striving has its place, it's youthful eagerness and wanton desire. Age is not a requirement for this wantonness, it would appear available to one and all, those that need to know, make something happen, move things forward, force or even strong arm a way, an opinion, another. I understand this because I have lived there and have recently changed residency, hopefully permanently. The future is not mine, the details are none of my business and quite frankly, they are beyond my control. Does this mean I am without choice, say, determination, absolutely not. I have inadvertently surroundered myself with mystically brilliant quiet observers of the world, who see much and say little, unless of course, someone is willing to listen, and given there is trust established in relationship. Not to be underestimated, these wise whispers have knowledge to empart and lately, I have been wondering what I have been missing out on, I mean seriously, what amazing glimpses of brilliance have I completely ridden rough shod over in my striving? When I look closely at the ones I speak of, they have nothing to prove, and yet somehow, boulders are moved and people do their bidding and I am mesmerized by the understated. All in good time, a quiet voice has assured me and the calm it affords me has me slowing down, striving thoughts feel like heavy lifting and with this new way, the future feels like a minute by minute unfolding and I just don't need to know what's next, how it all happens or even the why, I get to be in it all and trust that all is as clock work, moving as it is meant to, slowly and steadily with some sauvering of what is happening, added to the mix. Now is good, and again, right now is good enough for me.