Good Company

You are the company you keep. Look around you, who do you spend time with? Listen carefully, what conversations are you hearing and having? Check out your heart, how do you feel before during and after time spent, or shared, with certain people? Tell tale signs for company gone bad: you can't wait to get away; you can't get what they said out of your head; what they said keeps coming out of YOUR mouth; you fault find, criticize and then feel guilty for it; you are on edge and the thought of seeing the person(s), talking to them, hearing their voice(s) grates on you and is a privalent thought; you wish you had said THIS, or maybe THAT, last time you were together and your fantasy life of missed opportunities grows larger by the day. Let's go in the opposite direction. After spending time with friends, you feel invigorated, alive and your time with them was far too short and when oh when do you get to be together again? There is a feeling of having been elevated, expanded, challenged and fertized for new growth. Oh, we have all been here, and there, haven't we? I always brag that I have excellent taste and with a smug grin, I think I am committed to believing this for the rest of my life. I know the difference, YOU know the difference between what is life sucking and slow death causing in relationships and what is life building, with fire and water and earth and air, lungs filling with oxygenated affirmations of what is good and pure, right and true. The risk we take when exposed to poison is inhaling it and then exhaling onto the next person we meet. Check for yourself, whatever comes out of your mouth usually comes from what you have most recently been exposed to...it's worth the awareness, the only way change is possible. I get to enjoy my today, I choose my company and I feel great! Thanks for the fab company last night and today Korean & Jeff Whitney, xo

Presence

One hand, one gentle hand remains on me at all times. Have you ever walked through a crowd and had your hands on your child's shoulders, gently steering them, a from behind guide maintaining contact and ensuring that while moving, you stay together? Often in a crowd, there is jostling and an arm can get knocked, a hand inadvertently slipping away from a shoulder with a slight panicy feeling when contact is broken and then a quick restore of two hands or perhaps, one hand becomes enough, with the touch alternating between firm and light, depending on the crowd patterns, necessity dictating touch intensity. When my child was perhaps four, my husband and I had taken him to an outdoor fun festival. The boy had gone into a tent and while I saw him go in, there was some confusion upon his exit and I vividly recall his face, dissolving into panicked tears when he couldn't see me at the exit and there were strange people milling about and none of them looked familiar to him. He has always been excellent at naming what he feels and he said something along the lines of "you weren't waiting for me". I shake my head at the memory because it still makes me sad for him to have been so frightened and to feel so abandoned. Isn't that how we feel sometimes, abandoned and alone, forgot or perhaps misplaced? In Deuteronomy 31:8 it says: It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. His is the hand on my shoulder, on my heart, ever present, reminding me that I have Him as guide and that I need not fear or be dismayed. May you feel His hand on you today and may your loneliness dissolve in His presence. 

To the Left

The handshake. This morning a client was leaving and my 17 year old son met her for the first time and with arms full, he freed up his left hand to shake hers...I started to correct him saying "Matthew, it is the right hand that" and he cut me off, saying, "I know mum". My client stated, "I'm left handed and that felt right" and I quickly had a moment of ahhh, that felt right and I apologized to my teenager as he was disappearing around the corner. What followed was fascinating. My client gave me, my son (slightly out of earshot at this point) and listening mom a brief history lesson on handshakes and I looked it up on the Internet and found this: the handshake is generally thought to have developed as a gesture to demonstrate neither side is carrying a weapon in their right hand and that each person comes in peace; a handshake between two people expresses a willingness for equality and balance. Well now, this is an amazing revelation for me and it all makes sense that since many people are right handed, it would be the right hand that would historically be displayed as safe and weaponless. A wonderful and useful physical agreement between two potentially dangerous and opposing people and by people, I mean men. During a conversation with a friend I was reminded of a sad and strange thing parents were encouraged to impose on their left handed children. The child was often forced to learn how to write and use their right hand for everything when their natural inclination was to use the left...what kind of horror and hell is this? Right handed shaking is an out of time story that is now used as a form of "you can trust me in business, we just shook hands" exchange and has become a rule, a point of etiquette and as you recall from the top of the story, I had fallen into the trap of attempting to correct my son when he didn't "do something just right", yes yes, pun intended. This brings me to my point: traditions are lovely and meaningful and I have to admit, I enjoy me some good strong right handed hand shakes but maybe I am weak, imbalanced and could benefit from some good strong teach me a new way left handed handshakes? I like to learn new things, new ways. What about you, are you willing to play and offer your left hand when next you meet a new person in your life? It may feel just right, for both of you.  

Patience

Patience. I used to think of patience as me waiting while I wanted something to happen, someone to make a big move, and me suffering and squirming and having to contain myself until the thing, whatever it was, finally happened. One of my goals for the year is to learn about this patience thing and yes, you did detect a negligible expression of sarcasm in my writing and I will tell you why. I have told several people of my intention to become more patient and just as I suspected, it was received with some laughter. While I did not feel mocked by these people that know me well, I did feel ever so slightly challenged, as in is this thing even possible for me? (Several months ago, I even bought tiny silver turtle earrings, a reminder to slow down). When I look into the deep dark brooding eyes of impatience, I see there a penetrating desire to understand quickly what is going on, where I am headed and when in company, where we are going together and is this right for me? It has been my way of gauging if I want to stay, if staying is worth it and if not, how can I get the heck out of here? Yes, it is about those age old fight or flight responses and as I type, I realize that I have been judging myself for some reactions that have been a pattern, defence mechanisms that I no longer require. I have a new definition, given me by one of my Leadership Program Leaders, for my sometimes not so impeccable timing and it is lust, a lust for life and forward movement and getting to the deep stuff, the stuff that life is truly made of and I want to take people there with me, get on the plane or train or into the fast moving boat or car and lets go! So exciting to be me, and so tiring too, because break neck speed means I miss things along the way, fine directional details and soulful sentiments, the scenery and the subtle nuance of quietly shared moments of knowing, feeling, rather than speaking and doing. Patience for me now, is not waiting to see how someone else will respond or for something to happen, it is about saying no to me, my urges to rush, and in doing so, I am saying yes to seeing, hearing, learning and growing faithfully in the Presence of another for the purpose of loving His own. 1 Samuel: lack of patience can cause you to miss blessings, and this, 1 Thessalonians 5:14: Patience reveals our faith in God's timing, omnipotence, and love. Worth me figuring this stuff out I'd say.

Love

Sweet sweet writing release...I return to you, thirsty, empty cup in hand, anticipating the full to the brim feeling that only writing can slake. It is in writing that I get my fill and here I sit, free to express, whether read by others or simply for my own deep satisfaction, I write for my soul and its longing for expression. I have had many epiphanies in my life and some of the sweetest ones have been about the longevity, the permanancy of love. One of the major love learning events in my life came at the end of the CTI (Coaches Training Institute) coaching courses, in the final of five weekend sessions called Synergy. I was powerfully coached in the front of the room, vulnerable and hungry for the freedom that comes only when fear is faced head on and when I, you, are willing to wade into deep waters that threaten to overtake and drown. I wanted something for myself and I was unwilling to leave that unspoken yet to be seen and intensely looked at thing behind. I discovered that love is bigger than a give and take, that it does not have to be reciprocated to be felt and that Love, true love, is given without attachment, without any need for it to be returned. This knowing started something wonderful in me and at the same time, my need to be loved still existed and in my neediness, freedom was still elusive, not mine yet...I have a family, friends, a tribe of Seagulls and many acquaintances and colleagues and they have seen me at my very best (easy in the beginning of relationship, isn't it?) and at my very worst. I will not describe either extreme or what has lived in-between, suffice it to say that those who know me have seen "it" all. My biggest learning on this front came when a tribe mate pointed out to me that a sibling must really have loved me in order to stay in relationship with me, despite some self righteous behaviour that I had displayed when our father had died...my heart aches at the breach of trust and the gift of repair that has been lived into as a result of this pointing out of forbearance, love beyond words and deeds from one sibling to another. Failure, it is the gift of try try again and while I continued to change and grow, I had new ground to cover and old stories from generations gone by that somehow came to the fore, needing healing and a gentle touch. Like Jacob in the desert, I wrestled with God, wanting to hold on to the false sense of self preservation that a half hardened heart offered, a pretend I'm in charge feeling and a holding on to loving when I felt like it AND partnered with this, the old insecurity that I am choosing who and when to love, others too, have this option...the cost of not loving is to be unloved. Than it came to me, the greatest commandment: Matthew 22:36-40 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind'. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself." It hit me, that this is EXACTLY how the world loves, when they do NOT love-if I can't stand me, that is how I will love YOU. When I love myself, I can't help but love you too. Being in love is wondrous, a commandment worth living. When my gaze is Heaven Bound and on my Father, He teaches me love. I am created in His image and I get to see everyone else the same way, as His duplicates and sweet children. I love me, I love you and the world is a better place for it. I invite you to love yourself today, LOVE concurs all.

Great Abacus

Seize this one day

Seize the day, this one day, it may be your last with the Great Abucus in the sky sliding the final bead across to the other side, the bead joining its day mates in conclusion of a life well lived or perhaps, not so well lived? 

Walking meat with money

I returned from a resort vacation a few days ago and I felt as though my personality had been wrung out and nothing was left of it, of me. Walking meat with money, that's how I felt as a vacationer as I was served and cleaned up after and encouraged to indulge in mindless food and beverage consumption. Trained to go with the flow of the herds, the crowds, the vacationers were channelled in multiple streams of hedonistic self indulgence masquerading as luxury of experience, the body being over served and stimulated until numbly saturated. Not having to think, be responsible, it is a relief for many and understandably, the mindset of relax without paying the price of repercussion is rather appealing: to a point. Redundancy has a way of being redundant and this shows up in life whether on vacation or living responsibly at home. 

My soul screams what about me

There was a lagoon close to our hotel, a short beach walk away and the clear blue water with the ebb and flow of the current delighted my senses. My nose is tingling with the start of tears as I recall praying to God and asking for forgiveness for my own going unconscious, my own self indulgent neglect of what is good, true, beautiful and worthy of adoration. I realize every day that when I forget to give myself to him, I have lost one bead of my own life, given it away to nothingness, to mindless feeding of the bodily senses while my soul screams what about me, when do I receive my mana? 

Mercy, grace to live another day

Mercy, grace to live another day,  I am grateful for the discipline of a God that reminds me that it is to him I owe my life, bought and paid for with the hefty price of Pure Love, the cross that bore my Saviour, my Christ. I hope I have lots of beads left and my prayer is that I give each one, each day to The One. I pray the same for you dear reader, may you know that your days, each hair on your head, each tear you shed, are counted, numbered and precious to him that made you.