God Gracious

Anniversaries and birthdays, death and burial... start, middle, it-is-finished endings. We are separated and we are divorced, but from what dear reader? Before you stop reading this out of concern that it will plummet you into despair, read me out.

He was there

God is gracious. I snort some air from my nostrils, mouth closed, lips turned up at the corners in a grin. I keep feeling like I am looking backward in time with keen comprehension of Gods previously present plans. This is the oddest statement, and my current reality. He was there before and He was there during and He is already there looking back, but it is me that feels the deja vu and the wonder about how "... in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).

I see younger, twenty-five year old newly married me... I discovered 1 Corinthians 7:10-11. You must look this scripture up dear reader... I will not spoon feed you during this bit of writing. This piece may be for you and if this is so, you will do your homework out of curiosity and get out your bible to follow along. I will give you a hint regarding the instruction I received: Stay & Reconcile.

On the heels of this command, in despair and desirous of hope fulfilled, I read 1 Corinthians 7:12-13. My clue to you references: Belief & Willingness. Divorce is not an option... again, you must go to scripture to get the completed picture.

Gracious and faithful

The hope I longed for was addressed and lived for a moment in time that lasted 25 years. Continuing in 1 Corinthians, 7:14, I learned that God is gracious and faithful to those who commit to his will for them. This points to: Sanctification & Holiness.

I lived 1 Corinthians 7:15

Two years ago, I lived 1 Corinthians 7:15. I knew of it at twenty-five and at fifty, I let it be so, speaking these words: I am not bound. I echoed the words I am not bound two short days ago, my past and present colliding and concluding somehow; a fulfillment of sorts that strangely makes sense. The message: Live in Peace.

Surreally suspended 

Rings represent holy commitment 

God gave me clues; God instructed me; God made clear to me what would be, what to do, and is yet to be: I am partially living the what is yet to be part of it all. Forgive me dear reader, I just can't help but be surreally suspended in space and time. Looking back I see him everywhere all the time. Looking forward, I can't help but know that he is my sustenance and without him, I have no substance. He truly is my all in all, all the time.

Let us finish here with decoded scripture "Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches" (1 Corinthians 7:17).

You see dear reader, he knows. We are called and he fulfills: he works all things for the good of those who love him. Praise God, I know he loves me. He loves you too... it is only a matter of time for you to live into knowing this to be true, for and in, you.

If I may be ever so slightly bossy dear one. Read scripture. "It" is all in there. Gods plans are always perfect, even when we have no clue how everything turns out.

Artificial Sweetner

Eating a whole lot of candy
Lately, I have been eating a whole lot of candy. I can't just eat candy, because I have to make a big deal out of everything, you know, ascribe meaning and metaphor to my actions. It occurred to me while I gnawed on some nibs, that I am attempting to artificially sweeten my life. This has me grinning, the ridiculously obvious conclusion making me feel rather... simple.

I am a crazy mixed up sound woman
I am single. I am a single woman who really likes excellent company. I like to laugh and chat, and dig deep into the meaning of life, and who we are as humans, and where we fit into Gods design. I like to encourage and joke, and talk about the big and serious stuff: I like to listen and comment, and I like to speak and be heard and have my heart messages spoken back to me. It delights me to be me because I have abundant joy with a playful nature, and I like to share the good bad and ugly of life. I stay when the going gets tough... I am the calm in the storm and I am the whirlwind when everyone else is afraid to move for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing(s). I am laughing as I type because I am a walking talking shameless advertisement for what it looks and sounds like to suffer from over confidence with bouts of insecurity. I am a crazy mixed up sound human that has investigated me so that I can understand my inner workings and in turn, be discerning with others, since we are all kinda crazy mixed up and sound at the same time.

Candy is a poor substitute

Will you be mine?

I realized as I ate my last nib, that candy is a poor substitute for relationship with another human. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of amazing people in my life. I have been single for the past two years though... willingly, grievously, soul searchingly single. I needed this time, because my God told me, I am enough. I am the one that sees you in your all and all emptiness and fullness. You cannot have another until you know this, that I am your everything.

If God gave out Valentines
If God gave out Valentines, He would say on them, will you be mine, to the exclusion of all others? I want you to commit to me: and so I have. He let me know this recently: that I can have my next forever, my next mate for life, so long as He is the one to choose, the one to select for me. He is my heavenly Father and from Him, all good and perfect gifts are provided, including the man He has designated to be, my man.

We supplant our pain
This was fun to write, because it is the honest truth: the truth is, we supplant our pain, sadness, loneliness, covering it up with behaviours and activities as a form of distraction and artificial sweeteners when sorrow, sadness, or loneliness threaten to overtake us. When we are not quite sure if our hearts desires will be met, we sometimes run in circles and pretend we don't really want what we want, if you know what I mean... but God, He is the desire planter. He is the one that created us for relationship and He never had a warm body idea in mind: not just anyone will do! He made us to perfectly fit together, men and women: you with your God designed and designated mate.

Gods timing is perfect
As humans, we have a hard time waiting, and in the waiting, we have a hard time believing that what we long for will ever be, but alas, Gods timing is perfect. In fact, my man, he and I are magnetically being drawn to one another as I type; it is, only a matter of time.

God is holding the stop watch, and I trust, in Him. My hope is that you do too? That you don't precipitate, jump in for the sake of filling a void, making perhaps a mate mistake? Wait on God: He is enough, and when He gives you the person you are meant to be with, the two of you will celebrate Him, and each other, in unison.

May God richly bless you.

Kingdom of God

He said unto another man, Follow me.'But he said, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but you thou and preach the kingdom of God' (Luke 9:59-60)

I remember reading this Bible verse many moons ago, and wondering at the almost calloused response Jesus gives to a man that wants to bury his father. With a matured understanding of the character of Jesus, I read this verse and see revealed therein, the heart of God. If I boil this concept down to its elemental components, life and death are the issues that remain.

Picture this
Can you imagine, dear reader, being in the physical I-can-see-him-hear-him-touch-him presence of God Almighty? Now imagine him saying to you Follow me. Next, hear yourself saying Hey God, as exciting as your mission for me sounds, I have some business to take care of back home... can you give me a couple of days and I'll catch up with you later?

When we look closely at Jesus' reply to the mans request to first let me go, we can see that Jesus is all at once, making a statement and giving an order. The dead bury the dead but the living, dear reader, are to go and proclaim the kingdom of God.

What, is the kingdom of God, pray tell? It is Jesus, anticipated and then announced:

Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you (Luke 17:21). Let us be really clear: Jesus has no time for the dead dear one, He has His eyes on the living. He has His eyes on you and me, and what He wants us to know, is that following Him is our most-important-must-get-taken-care-of-now business. He has a mandate for each of us, and this may include forsaking others, including our relatives, to proclaim His Kingship.

Overpoweringly attractive

The King, in our midst

I don't know about you, but I find Jesus irresistible; this is true because I am one of His people! His gravitational pull is overpoweringly attractive, and I don't want to say no when He says follow me. I am disinclined to reject the assigned task of proclaiming the kingdom of God. A Christian just cannot help themselves, because to deny Jesus is to deny life: it is this serious, this important. I simply must, follow Him and proclaim to anyone who will listen, including to you here and now, to Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand (Matthew 3:2).(

Head over heels in love
My hope is that you too, are head over heels in love with Jesus, God (is) in your midst. My prayer is that you follow Him and proclaim Him as King. I live on hopes and prayers... He listens!

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective (James 5:16)

I could say something soothing here and effectually let us off the proverbial hook, about how hard it is to follow Him, to stay on task and mission, but that would be a lie for me, because each day that I open my eyes anew, becomes another opportunity to pledge my allegiance to Him, to Jesus as my God, my King! It gives me deep pleasure and I hope, I hope, it does for you too.

Sugar

Dear Sugar:

We have been friends for a very long time, haven't we? I remember becoming acquainted with you at a tender young age, and we have spent so much delicious time together since! I have memories of whole days in your company and when I wasn't with you, I have to admit shyly here, that I thought of you, longed for you, and could not wait until we would again, meet and melt into one another. Now that I am sharing, could you please give my regards to your cousin, Chocolate? If it weren't for the two of you supporting me all these years, propping me up when I was feeling down, I just don't know what I would have done...

You always wanted my attention

I have to explain myself to you Sugar. When I gave you up in October, it was because you and I were not really getting along. I mean, it seemed to me, at the time, that you had some kind of unhealthy attachment to me. You were always wanting my attention and when I couldn't see you, you called me incessantly and expected me to just drop everything and come running to your side. I discovered after we had been together, that I couldn't think clearly, I had what seemed like fog in the brain. Concentrating and remembering were challenging and it felt as though... forgive me for this accusation but I must say it... it felt as though... I had been drugged! How could I possibly tell you this when we had been so close and you dear Sugar, had always been so available to me in my deepest and darkest times of need? 

I had to know
We were apart for seventy-six days. I had to know for myself if our relationship stood a chance by us being apart. I think we had what is known as co-dependency, you know, that messed up thing that people do when they aid and abet one another in unhealthy behaviours? I think that was us and I had to find out for myself by leaving you, to see how I felt without you in my life.

I was afraid

Co-dependency is unhealthy, dear Sugar

This is the hard part dear Sugar. I was afraid. I was afraid of what would happen if I let you back in. I thought perhaps, we could handle it, you know, go slow and ease our way back into each others lives? So on December 24th, I made a decision to do a test run and invited you to spend some time with me, over the holidays. I shake my head, because those three days are a blur for me and I have to wonder, if you recall how they played out? We were almost inseparable and and... I hate to say this, but you made everything else taste really bad to me. You left me wanting only you, to the exclusion of many other wonderful experiences and I knew then, what I must tell you now

My life is sweeter, without you
It has been six days since we spent time together. It was hard to be without you, especially on day two, because I remembered only the good times. Today, you are a fading memory and I know that my life is sweeter, without you. I can think straight, I feel motivated, my memory is working and I don't miss you, not like I used to. You were like an addiction and I used to think, I can give Sugar up anytime I want to. The problem wasn't you Sugar, it was me... I just never wanted to give you up, until now. 

Dear Sugar
So this is a dear Sugar letter... because I must say goodbye. It may not be forever because I can only live one day at a time. I hope you understand how much I appreciate what you have meant to me and the time we spent happily together, but it is time for me, to say adieu and wish you well. My hope is that you do not become bitter with my departure. 

P.S: Please give my regards to your distance relative, Dark Chocolate.

Character Development

Emotions were reflected
I have watched a couple of amazing series on Netflix over the past year and a half. As I reflect on the ones that serendipitously slipped into my voyageur like viewing pleasure, I realize emotions were reflected for me by the characters in the shows: what I needed and wanted to feel was lived out on my behalf, on the screen.

While I became familiar with the characters in each show, I learned their names, their likes and dislikes, their idiosyncratic dispositions and behaviours. Some of the characters oddly represented replicas in my own life, people that I know! Uncomfortably, some of the characters were awkward, annoying, unpleasant with jagged reactions and selfish responses to the circumstances in the "show", and I was confronted with this two part question: am I like that, is that how people see me? This leads me to the premise of this writing dear reader: we all have certain traits and inclinations, not all of them admirable or desirable. The fun part is when we take a good hard look at ourselves, the people in our lives, and even the characters we relate to in the shows we watch, and choose to develop our own characters, as it were!

The shows that moved me
The past couple of years have been growth inducing for me and my family. While I grieved loss, I watched Longmire. When I longed for dedicated love, I watched Friday Night Lights. When I wanted to learn what family unity looked like, I watched This is Us. Now dear one, with a smirk, I tell you that a new series has entered into my edified life. Shall I tell you what it is?

Live this crazy adventure Life
Before I share the new series, I must tell you where I am and why. There are character strengths that I possess: we all have them so this is not a prideful statement, I am not being a braggart here. The difference between me and maybe you, is I have done an inventory of my traits. I know who I am, who I am not, and who I want to become. Where I am is right here, learning and growing: willing to be taught. The why part of all this is called Life: wonderful-awe-inspired-get-to-live-this-crazy-adventure Life! It is a thrill to get up in the morning and know, that another day awaits for me to discover... to discover! I am evolving, changing, being moulded and shaped. and my character is developing: I have some desire, which leads me to telling you what my newest favourite watchable on Netflix series is...

Agents of good
Life in Pieces. We fall to pieces; we put the pieces back together again; we become fragmented and reconnected and, at the risk of a run on sentence, the bits and pieces of who we are is really this marvellous collage of all the characters we have encountered, run away from, drawn near to, lived with, loved, moved away from, collided with, and bounced off of and lastly, fallen into. We are a mix and match of each other, picking up the pieces of our own lives while hopefully being agents of good in the lives of others.

Life in pieces
Life in Pieces is a composite of characters; people whose traits I would like to develop in my own life. Emotionally speaking, this show is the me of now, and the me I want to live into as this New Year begins. I can add and subtract traits dear one, as I develop my own character: and so can you! 

Follow these steps

1. I challenge you to take an inventory, or lack thereof, of your character traits. It is okay dear one, sometimes we must be cruel to ourselves to ultimately be kind: you have heard the expression, honesty is the best policy, right? You have some wonderful and not so wonderful traits, take the time to figure them out
2. Write out the traits you admire in others and long to possess
3. Find someone, or many someones, that have these traits, and copy them for goodness sakes! We learn by example and through practice. This is true in the physical and emotional realms
4. Ask yourself some questions: What is thematic in my life? Does the theme reflect what I desire? Does it mirror what I admire?
5. This last step is up to you dear one... I don't want to take you too far up the ladder I have in front of me, you have your own to climb! You get to figure out step 5!

Suggestion

Land on soulfully solid ground

I will make a suggestion though: watch the shows I did. They brilliantly display humanity in all manners of guts and glory, despicable pretence and selfishness, generosity and hatred, love and cruelty, misunderstanding and wisdom. You get the picture, now go develop your character. That is your work for 2019. My desire is to live as fully as is humanly possible. 

My hope, is that you do too.

Sentimental Swill

I have done a fair bit of writing over the past several years. Regrettably, I have published here on blogger, some not-so-note-worthy sentimental swill. You know what I mean, don't you? The kind of stuff that once chewed, remains remnant like in the teeth and has to be scrapped off, toothpick-ed out because it was sticky and stuck-y.

I just read some of that kind of drivel; fortunately, it was not personally produced hog wash... some other character came up with it and I had the displeasure of reading it, all the way until the end. As the joke goes, I will never get that time back.

Searching for meaning
As I read, I was searching, hoping, picking my way through a poem with the desire to have it strike a resonant chord; I was literally, scanning for truth. I made my way to the end, or should I say the bottom, and it left me bereft of feeling. That is what song lyrics, poems, articles, print ads do, when there is nothing of substance and value contained therein: they leave us feeling nothing, nothing at all. Why though? I mean effort has gone into the writing, and somehow it leaves us flat. Other pieces of work have us elevated to heavenly heights, moved to tears and sometimes, weak in the knees: what is missing when we are not moved?

It could be me, it could be you, it could be the source or, it could be this:

Vulnerability the missing link
I have discovered that vulnerability is the missing link. When I peel back a layer and look under to the words blanketed there, intention is revealed. Writers of every ilk want to direct traffic, the people they hope to move with their words and work. What the reader and listener is waiting for is a reveal, something hidden in themselves that they had not words for: something they have been longing to express but could not feel into solo. We read and listen to be transported, taken somewhere, and perhaps, it is a desire to travel the inner and outer reaches of our own being and soul that has us open to reading and listening to others. Without the writer being vulnerable, giving intimate glimpses into their own being, the reader is left bereft, hungry still for solid soul food.

And now, there is this: Without vulnerability, there cannot be connection. You and I do not feel understood when the message conveyed has within it, a withholding, or worse yet, a manipulative feel and flavour.

So shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it (Isaiah 55:11).

Checking intention is vital to connection. If I write, it must be for the reader, not solely for the purpose of some grandiose plan I hope to realize for my own benefit. Why would anyone choose to read the work of selfishness; of mindless muttering; of sentimental swill?

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing (1 Corinthians 13:1-2).

Intentionally on mission
Upon reflection, I see differently now. Vulnerability is the missing link when truth in love is absent. It is truth in love that brilliantly lights a fire in the hearts of men. Seeking and finding happens naturally, after we have become intentional in our mission to know, live and love, Truth.

God and Moses

And the Lord said furthermore unto him, Put now thine hand into thy bosom. And he put his hand into his bosom: and when he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow (Exodus 4:6)

One reluctant cat
I am laughing, after just having read Exodus 4:1-11. If you don't own a Bible, and you do have the internet, you can read this for yourself. God is giving Moses his work order, and Moses is one reluctant cat. When I think about having a direct conversation with God, how Moses had this type of relationship with God Almighty, I am astounded and amazed, that he would argue with His creator. Then I think about me, and how willing I am to do the same, each time I forget to remember that I am powerless, while God, is all powerful! 

Moses is afraid of public speaking, he is afraid people won't believe him, and he asks God to find another man to do His bidding, despite God turning a staff into a snake, a healthy hand turned leprous and back again, and a promise to turn water into blood.

The point here, is that we can do nothing by our own strength and everything with God working in and through us.

And the LORD said to him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? (Exodus 4:11-12).

God empowered when we submit

I have to chuckle again, because Moses remains reluctant, and aren't we the same dear reader? I mean we get excellent instruction, we get our marching orders, we are equipped and then, we stutter start, doubting ourselves, our capabilities, our calling... and rightly so! We can do nothing powerful from our own strength:

I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me (Philippians 4:13)

It is our ego and pride, that prevent us from performing-and it is performance that is problematic! The self-consciousness that accompanies being centre stage, is about how we believe we will be perceived, rather than how we can glorify God, by doing what He asks of us: we are, after all, so very self-absorbed by nature.

And he said, O LORD, send, I pray thee, by the hand of him whom thou wilt send (Exodus 4:13)

Well this is not good dear one. Moses is so frightened, that he asks God for a replacement. No guts, no glory? Not really. God is merciful and gives us ways to complete the tasks He assigns. He will take our human frailty and obstinance, and get the job done regardless of our unbelieving attitudes; He does, however, get irritated with us:

And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Moses, and he said, is not Aaron the Levite thy brother? I know that he can speak well. And also, behold, he cometh forth to meet thee: and when he seeth thee, he will be glad in his heart. And thou shalt speak unto him, and put words in his mouth: and I will be with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and will teach you what ye shall do. And he shall be thy spokesman unto the people: and he shall be, even he shall be to thee instead of a mouth, and thou shalt be to him instead of God. And thou shalt take this rod in thine hand, wherewith thou shalt do signs (Exodus 4:14-17)

Gods anger burned against Moses. Have you ever gotten red-hot-burning-mad dear reader? Have you ever felt so hot under the collar, that you wanted to hurt someone because they went against all that you believe in, hold near and dear, and would die for even? What did you do with yourself in that state? Did you give yourself full permission to attack, vent, explode, retaliate? Look again at the above verses, at how God handled the situation.

God lets us know He is in charge
I like the fact that God asked Moses to put his hand inside his cloak and it came out leprous. I see in this one simple act, God letting us know who is in charge. Nothing and no one, is beyond His power, and He can and does, do with us what He wills. It is no consequence to Him, when we disregard or disobey, He will still, get the job done, even with unwilling participants. It is contentious to argue with Him, and we run the risk of His disapproval when we do.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction (Proverbs 1:7)

God offers
God makes us offers all the time. He knows what abilities we have, and do not have, and He tells us, you can do this, not because you are oh so astoundingly awesome, but because I AM. What He asks of us, He will equip us for, in the doing. You don't have to worry, wonder or doubt, He has every bit of the plan covered, with or without our willingness.

So, what has He asked you to do, to say? Are you saying no to Him dear reader? Still? Are you sure you want to keep that up? He is, after all, God, you know! 

Cup your ears, have a good listen, get your work order and get the job done.

Go on now, don't leave His work for you, up to someone else:

For it is God which worketh in you to will and to do of his good pleasure (Philippians 2:13)